Here I am..

Here I am on a Saturday night sitting in my room eating cereal.. at one in the morning. Believe me I have a legitimate excuse. My bloodsugar is low, after DAYS of having high blood sugar. but anyways.. here I am sitting in my room all alone, worried about well, everything. I'm frantic about money. I'm frantic about my new job. (what if I hate it, what if its awful, will I fit in, ect.) I pretty much want to relax and just paint my nails but we all know what happens when I try to paint my nails. (a giant mess) so maybe I will put it off while I'm trapped at home for my last week of funemployment. I feel like due to the bad weather I've been trapped inside, all alone (with Ev and my mom of course) eating myself silly and just well.. being a mom. but I eat because I'm bored and dont exersize because I cant take Ev outside and run around which makes my bloodsugars awful. Its just a cruel cycle. Besides my mom and people who chat with me on FB. I really have no one to talk to. It DRIVES ME NUTS. I may be terribly shy but I'm also very social. I need to be in social situations. Mostly with people I feel comfortable with. I feel like I'm going nuts.. well I'm probably just nuts at this point to be honest. I just feel like I have no one.. absolutely no one.  I have good friends but they are all married/taken and here I am a single mom.. by myself..

Let me tell you I am a terribly shy person. to some people this may come as a shock but to others it may explain why I come off as rude. I have to be Very, very, very comfortable with someone, or drunk to be myself. Sad, I know. Even people I once was comfortable around.. I'm not anymore. I hate being shy. I HATE IT. but I can't help it. It makes being around new people, and making new friends difficult. Same with relationships.There's a barrier that some people cannot break or care to rather. so I tend to always be lonely. I want to have more friends, and talk to new people whatever but every time someone new talks to me I feel so much anxiety and want to run away. You know that fight or flight response? well I feel it even in a non-aggressive situation and I want to RUN. Stress, people you name it. I get anxiety that could sprout wings and have me fly away, I avoid even the simplest conversations. Why does it terrify me? I don't know.. I suppose I'm nuts.

I just want to be able to relax maybe that could cure my shyness. (its never been this bad) I hate having anxiety and I hate worrying. It does nothing but I cant help it. I want to be able to go to bed without overthinking every little detail in my life (which really doesnt let me fall asleep, hence why I am awake at 1am) I want to be able to meet new people, do new things without the feeling of needing to run or faint.

Excuse my breakdown, but I have been on edge for a few days now and UGH staying in tonight was probably not to my benefit. I think I needed to blow of steam.. but.. Ev has been sick and lord knows that money isnt flowing in until after next week. So yeah, I'm stuck. All these horrible awful feelings make me feel like cutting out the world but thats probably the last thing I need to do..

I probably just need a vacation? ha.. I guess my solution to my problem is just to do what I say I'm going to do. I say all the time I'm going back to school and you know what? I'm GOING. I'm holding myself to it. I'm also going to take care of my damn diabetes and get a CGM like I've wanted. I'M DOING IT. Now.. (well the school thing will probably have to wait until Monday at a more reasonable hour)

Sometimes I pray for a miracle, an adventure, something new. I guess its to just set goals and do them. Its not necessarily all about obtaining the goal but what happens in between that gets you to your goal. To me life isn't just point A and point B its more about the miles in between. So maybe I just need to set up some new detestation spots and the miles will come with it.