I just want to be honest.

Sometimes I sit and think about my life. 

Here I am, a 21 year old girl with a 1 year old child and not much else to my name. 

I think about life in retrospect, which is silly to be honest but I do it. I think about what life would be like if I would have just stayed home that night.

Sometimes I wonder if having a baby so young did fuck my life up. As horrible and awful as that sounds. 

I don't regret Ev, I love her far too much to ever regret her.

but where would I be if it was just me? 

I don't know if I'd be any farther then I am now, I don't know if I would have gone down a bad path or a good. I have no idea and sometimes that thought haunts me. Who would I be if it weren't for the last two years? Would I be that same naive, goofy loud girl with such a broad open future? 

I'm not the same person anymore. I can tell you that much. I see pieces of who I was come out now and again but I'm not the same. I work to be happy, I work to be carefree and to be honest there rarely is a moment in time when I am carefree. I'm haunted with thoughts of who I was, who I am and who I should be and I am not. Not to mention what I need to do to become someone.

I think about who I could have been, what I could have done to not be right here now, alone. What I could have done so that Ev could have a father who would be in her life. I wonder where I went wrong to not be able for her to have that.

I want to be with someone, I do. I want to get married one day but I don't think I can ever allow someone to come into our lives. How can they? If someone who created this couldn't stand being around me enough to love their own child, how can someone love us? So why waste my time? I don't want to date because it's all too messy. There's too much baggage and I have no strength to carry more then I already have.

Which leaves me at, how in the fuck am I going to do everything? I have to be this person who does everything.. literally. Work my ass off, cook, clean, provide ect. And I have to sacrifice twice as much too. Have a little less, be around more. Have a little more, be around less. 

It's all on my shoulders. How am I suppose to be capable of that? The person I was before was never ready for all of this. I had no idea I'd be here now and had no comprehension of how hard it would all be. 

It's been two years since I found out I was pregnant. Two years.

That was a profound moment. A what the fuck moment. I don't remember what thoughts used to run in my head that much. I don't really know all of my plans before then. but they all changed. My whole future changed and everything that's happened since then has been profound. 

Everything has changed.

People I've known forever. They're not the people I thought they were.

Sometimes I have no idea who I can trust, who I can be comfortable with. Because I've seen the two sides, I've seen the drawn lines. I've seen how people reel you in and throw you back out. 

The people you'd thought you could count on, can turn their backs. The people you need to support you, use your weaknesses against you. Or they just don't fucking understand.

You finally open your eyes to what people are capable of doing to other people. Setting them up, letting them down. You've watched it all before but when you feel it.. god damn, you feel it.

Its outstanding. 

Sometimes I feel like I'd rather not have a friend in the world. What's the point? You never know who people can be.

Sometimes I feel like those poor dogs that people abuse. When someone actually trys to help and love them, they lash out? They bite and growl because they don't trust that they won't be hurt.Even after all the interveining, they still aren't going to be fully trustworthy. 

I feel like that.

I feel like I hate people. I don't want to trust a damn soul in this world because you honestly never know who people are going to turn out to be. Hell, I don't even know who I'll turn out to be.

 

I want to say after all this time, I'm free of that person who helped me in all of this.

I'm not.

He still haunts me. I haven't talked to him for a very, very long time. I haven't even seen him in almost a year. But he profoundly fucked with my head. 

I want to tell every one that I don't give a damn about him and he can rot in hell. I wish I could say I don't think about him but he left such a bad taste in my mouth. His words, all the hurt, all the pain. It still lingers. I still feel it. If you want to talk about profoundness. Well he's made a very profound impact. Not a good one. 

He gave me Ev but he fucked with my head too. He fucked with heart, my soul my everything. 

He changed the course of my life, he changed my hopes and my dreams and my plans. He left me with a such a big responsibility, two people have to handle it but I was left alone with it. All the consequence, all the everything. 

And thats why I don't understand how anyone can look at him the same again.

But no one else can feel how fucked up I feel. No one had to go through that, no one had to see it. There's no way I could make anyone feel that. 

and here I am..

I'm still alive, but some days I wonder why.

Some days I think about how exhausting it is. Trying to be happy, working so hard to be normal, to act a certain way.

Some days its easy to be alive. Some days I feel pretty alright. Luckily I've had more of that the past few months. but then there's weeks like these.

I've tried, Oh lord have I tried. I try to forgive, I try to open my arms and my heart so maybe things can change. But sometimes people just don't care. And Lord knows I'm passionate about what I care about and I don't understand how people can't care. Especially when it's their children.

I try to be a good person.

I try to right wrongs I may have done without bad intentions.

but I can't fix something like that all on my own.

and we all know I'm all on my own.

 

I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be this abused dog hiding in a crate.

I want to be human, I want to be happy. I want to be able to feel free. I want to forget these toxic people, I want to be the bigger person and have the life I want. I want to create something beautiful for Ev to grow up in. I want to be that person who make good out of nothing. I want to be good, I want to be that person that I've always wanted to be. 

I want to be selfless, I want to care without being cared about. I want to give respect and love and not expect it return. But all the same I want to be loved, respected and cared about. I know it doesn't make much sense.

I want to wake up in the morning excited for the day and what may come, Not have anxiety about what I'm going to see or read that's going to hurt. I don't want to feel bad all of time, I don't want to work so hard to be happy. 

 

But I can honestly say, all those moments that are carefree, are a direct affect of Ev. When we play, when we laugh, when we have the moments. You know, the ones where they pull you by the shirt into a big hug? When she runs across the room to give you a kiss, just because. Who would have thought that with everything that's happened, that moments like this are real? If I could bottle that up and have it when I need it most. That joy, the feeling in your tummy of love, pure unconditional love that just blows your mind because no one in the world could make you feel that. Who would have thought you'd have to feel the bottomless pit of pain to be able to get that feeling of love? Its a shame you can't always balance those out. 

I don't regret Ev. I don't know life without her anymore. I am who I am now and I try so hard to not let all the bad feelings turn me into someone who creates them in other people. 

I love Ev, I love her so God damn much it makes me cry sometimes.

I wish I could be one of those people who can walk away from the past without a wound in sight. Like the movies. You know when explosions go off and somehow the actresses come out of it pretty unscathed. Their hair isn't fizzled off their scalp and by chance the curls are still pretty nice looking? Well in my scenario, that wouldn't be the case. I can't deny the way I feel. I can't deny the struggles I've been dealing with the past two years. I'm not okay sometimes. Still to this day. I'm better, by God am I better. Believe it or not. but I have to be honest with myself. I know I don't feel happy about a lot of things. I just need to be honest about that. As crazy and fucking stupid as I look.