My day..

Was not great.

It was LONG.. It was excruciating, and it made me freak the EFF out. I've had some pretty bad anxiety since I was pregnant, thought it would go away by now but NOPE. Still here and as irrational as ever. Maybe not as bad as when I was pregnant, but its still here and I HATE it. I probably do need some form of anti-anxiety, anti-depressant medicine, but I'm not much of a pill taker.. so I'll work through it the best I can.

but this job I've gotten. It's okay.. but its not what I want. Its not what I need. I need something that I can LIKE. Something I can wake up every morning and do. Of course I'm dreaming here. Can something work out in my life?! ahh

I feel good sometimes but a lot of the time I feel crappy. I've felt way disgusted by the way I look. I just want to not have a chubby belly! Again, unrealistic because I have a baby... but I can hope right? One thing I miss is having boobs. I used to have some decent boobies. Not too big not too small but now I have one thats eh, alright and the other is like a fat teenage boys boob. NOT cool. I want a boob job but then again I don't want a boob job. I just want my boobs back! Is there someway I can get this big ol gut to go up into my boobs? Huh?! I also need to do something with this face..

I just want to enjoy something out of life. Not be anxious all the time. Not have to suffer or make it through anything. I just want something in my life that's different and good and whatever. I feel like I've been waiting a long, long time.
I just don't want to be a mean old stressed out mom to Ev. She deserves a happy mom. Therefore is my reason for wanting myself to be happy, needing myself to be happy. I just want to be healthy and happy so I can make sure Ev is healthy and happy. but how do I do this?

ugh.

but enough complaining. Last night I played softball for the first time in like 6 years. I had nothing really better to do, and I didn't feel like going to the gym but I really need to work out..hence reasons stated above. Plus I get to be with my friends so I'm not as lonely. Ev could have came to but my mom wanted to watch her. I didn't do all that great in softball but I did hit ONE ball. And not bad too! Plus I made it through home base and scored a point, I did my part, right?

Then here's Ev. She's been used to me being home with her the past few weeks and she seems to have missed me. My mom said everytime they'd walk upstairs she just says "Ma mamama" Today when I came home she freaked! So happy and trying to get me. my hands were full so I had to set stuff down to get her and she was so happy! She kissed me, like real kissed, right on the lips and then said "mom" clear as day. She laid her head on my shoulder for a second but the embrace was very nice! Just what I needed to know at least Ev loves me. Also shes been a heathen. She found a penny on the floor in my room and I took it away and set it on the nightstand, well little miss butthole went and found it and tried to eat it again! She's too smart for her own good. lol

I knew this day would turn out bad when I saw that one of my diet pepsi's was thieved from the fridge. My NUMBER ONE pet peeve of ALL freakin time, ladies and gentlemen..is PEOPLE WHO TAKE MY DIET SODA!! That's a freakin SIN in my book. NEVER take my diet soda, or there will be a grudge against you for all enternity. If you think I'm kidding, well I'm not. DON'T DO IT!

but I did hear from a certain someone that I wanted to talk to :)

but the conversation didn't last :( boo.