I'm sorry.

I had a nightmare last night. I'm sure you can guess who it was about. I hate nightmares like that, because I know when I wake up, they don't disappear. That's whats happening, that's whats really true. I'd rather dream of my limbs being ripped off then of that. It ruins my day. It irks me. Its like God poking fun at my pain.

Now its fathers day..

this shouldn't be a day of mourning. It shouldn't be a day filled with sadness and pain. no, I'm not mourning the death of my father or the absence. I'm mourning the absence of Evelyn's father. I'm mourning the loss of that dream and that my daughter won't have a good daddy to celebrate and cherish on this day. She won't get that, not because of something I did. But because he chose someone else over us. Because for some reason we weren't good enough for him to stick around. and Maybe I am the one to blame. Maybe its because I wasn't as pretty as that girl, or as skinny. Maybe it was because I was to shy around his friends. I don't know what I did. I tried. I just wasn't good enough, and I'll never be good enough and she has to suffer too because of it. I feel so bad for this and I always will. I feel bad that I didn't make the right decision and said No, I feel bad that I couldn't provide her the family life she needs, with a mom and a dad. I feel awful that I'll have to work 10 times harder to provide for her on my own and won't be able to be there all of the time. I feel bad that I can't give her everything she wants because I'll be the only provider and probably won't be able to afford everything. I feel bad, because this wasn't my choice and I had no control over it and she will have to feel the pain of not being good enough for her daddy like I do. I know I have the support from my friends and family, and I know that she will have the love from them too, but its not the same as the love and support from a dad. Its hard to be out shopping or with my friends and their boyfriends and I see everything I don't have and everything my daughter will live without. The pain from it all is insane, I can't explain the feeling. It radiates your whole body and it hurts like hell. I cry so hard sometimes I throw up. I just am so sad and horrified by the mistake I made, and the fact that my daughter has to live with it too. I feel so stupid, naive and dirty for this. I wish I would have not had sex with him. I wish I would have waited to be with someone I loved who loved me and then I could have Evelyn with him and we could be happy. I can't take back what I did but I can try my hardest to make sure Evelyn is loved so she doesn't feel the absence of her father like I do. She won't have to have a hole in her heart. Its not fair for her to feel pain when she didn't do anything. I made the mistake, its my burden to bare, its my pain.

I'm sorry baby girl. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the family you deserve. But I promise to be the mommy you deserve and give you want I can and love you unconditionally and be there for you every step of the way. You're my everything and I love you more then anything in this world and your worth all this fight and loss because I know with you in my life, I'll need nothing else. You're the reason I'm alive and you're the reason I'll live. I hope you won't feel the hurt and loss I feel, I hope you'll never have to know what this feels like. I love you Evelyn Grace, I can't wait until September.