Things change.

            I love this little girl. I love her more then anything I have ever known. Shes not technically here yet, but shes my whole life, my whole reason. I didn't realize that getting pregnant changes everything but yet things are the same. I guess it just changes the way I look at things, and feel about things. Things that were important before, aren't important now and things that never were important before, are. Its not about me anymore its about my daughter and I will work hard and be happy for her, Its not longer just me. Its me and her. Its funny how much changes and how natural it is. I don't feel that I've changed drastically but I have.

I know some people (men) don't understand this. I've been told by a certain someone that having a kid "doesn't change things much" sure, it won't change much if your not around. He has missed out on the majority of this pregnancy. Hes missed the first kicks, the heartbeat, ultrasounds ect. He hasn't been around to see my belly grow or to shop for baby stuff. He says he'll be there when shes here, is that really true? I don't think so. If you can't accept the loss of your partying days and move on and be an adult now. You won't do it later, you won't be here for first smiles, first laughs, baths, playtime, nap time or anything. now that may not sound like fun to most people, but to me that sounds perfect. He seems to think that hes going to take his daughter and take her around his friends who drink, A LOT, and probably do drugs. He happens to drink a lot, I can't say the same about drugs but who knows? He thinks that he can be absent for 9 months and come around and flaunt that hes a dad. What is a dad? I don't think its someone who is only around when its convenient, or when he wants to show off his child. A real dad is someone who is there from day 1 until the day he is dead. he is someone who understands whats really important. Drinking and partying with friends isn't number #1 anymore. Feeding and holding your baby girl should. Even if were not together now, he should be here and making sure that I'm okay and I'm healthy and happy so I can have a healthy and happy baby. Instead of dating others girls, drinking, partying and talking to me like I'm scum on the earth. I didn't get pregnant on purpose, I didn't want this either but I'm taking responsibility and I'm more then happy to have this baby and be a mom. It may not have been what I wanted until I was like 25 or so but its happened now and I couldn't be happier. Its changed my future plans for sure, but I don't regret it, I'm not going to mourn what I never had and what I did have, I've already had it and I've moved on. I wish he would just understand that being there for your baby is more important then friends, he won't ever get that. he won't understand until his daughter is older and hates him for not being around. I'm not saying I'm going to make her hate him, oh no. I won't have to. My duty now is to make sure I make up for what he lacks, that I'm the mom AND the dad. I can't make him do the right thing, I can't make him be a good father but I can be a good mother and I will. cause I know that its important and my life and happiness depends on that.

In a way I feel bad that hes given up so much. I shouldn't feel to bad, those were his choices. He had a chance to do the right thing and be a good guy. He had a chance for a bit to have not only one person love him unconditionally but two. I didn't want to marry him right off the bat, hell no. But I know I could have loved him. Don't get me wrong that ship has sailed and it was hit by lighting and crashed into a rock and sank and there's no way its coming back. Even if he went back to how he was in the beginning, I wouldn't take him back. I was stupid once, but I'm not going to repeat that mistake. Sometimes I do miss him though and want him to go back and be who I thought he was. I liked him then, now I don't know if I can even look at him. I pray to God he will step up and be there for my daughter but I'm not holding my breath.

Oh and for advice, some of his friends (that he party's with mind you) say how their going to buy clothes and can't wait for this baby to be around and shes going to have a heck of a time with him and his buddies. Is it bad that I'm really not okay with these people around my daughter? Hell I hardly trust him to have her by himself for an hour, let alone people I don't even know. And people that I know drink and party with him and these people are the ones that find that okay for him to do while I'm home alone pregnant and sick. I just don't feel comfortable with these people in Evees life. And I know they are not willing to get to know me or meet me. FYI this isn't "his" baby shes mine. If he were around throughout my pregnancy, sure he may have earned equal rights but as far as I'm concerned I have full rights since I'm the only one who does anything and I'm the only one who will be taking care of her. Does this make me a bitch? I'm not saying I'll prevent him from seeing her, all he has to do is call or even just come over but I don't want people I don't know around her. I want to get to know these people before, I just know these people won't want to meet me either because I was probably played out as a bad person. (I swear to God I'm not) I just don't know what to do..