Refuge not Revenge

I don't understand Gods plans for me, I don't know if I ever will. I don't know why he's putting me through so much. Some days I want to die so it will all go away but I can't die. Evee deserves a life and she deserves a life with me. Maybe God is putting me through so much pain to make me stronger, because he knows I can't give up now, God knows I can't end my life because I'm not living for me anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore, I can't escape the pain. I can't run away from it because no matter where I turn, its there. I've tried disappearing and it didn't do much. It still caught up with me. Theres a reason for pain, isn't there? theres a reason for struggles and hurt and feeling like you want to die. Because if there is no reason, then I don't know what to do. My little girls a reason to live but why am I living in pain? Why can't I be left alone and happy? Why do I live day to day expecting for the next awful thing to happen?

I can't do it anymore. Its killing me. I may look like the bad person here, but I've only ever done the right thing. The right thing is to protect myself and my baby girl. trying to include this person in mine and hers life will kill us. He's endangering our health and happiness. The worse is he knows hes doing it and the people around him know hes doing it. They may not understand why I'm going to do what I'm going to do but in the end they don't matter. They weren't there for me and I don't have to justify myself.

I'm saving my life and my baby's. I'm making sure that we will be okay and that she will grow up with the right people around her.

I made a mistake with a person I knew wasn't good. Evee isn't the mistake, shes a blessing. He's the mistake. He's the person I need to protect myself and my daughter from. And he was suppose to be the one to protect us. I don't care who people think he is, I know who he is because I have dealt with him first hand. No one can tell me I'm wrong and no one can change my mind. I'm freeing myself from pain and hurt and I'm rescuing my daughter from it as well. We deserve better, and we will get better. I have nothing to be embarrassed about and I don't regret having a baby girl on my own. I've done everything right and hes tried to do everything wrong. I shouldn't be embarrassed about ANYTHING. he should, and so should the people around him.

There's a reason for everything, I just don't know all of the reasons. but I will.

one word: Karma. I believe in you..

I'll be vindicated. I don't need to seek revenge, I need to seek refuge.