The New Normal

I've been struggling a little bit about my mom being gone. Especially as of late. I think I have numbed myself a bit but now its starting to sink in that she's gone.. as well as my grandpa. See I have dreams about them a lot Dreams that they are still living in this life. I had a dream that my mom survived. She was on hospice about to die, and then recovered. It was so strange, I kept apologizing to her for thinking that she was going to die.

It's honestly so weird still that she is gone. It doesn't feel real. She was so scared to die and we were all terrified for her to die and its so crazy to think that what we all dreaded has already happened. I don't know why now it's hitting me as hard as it is. Maybe because nearly two months has passed and she's still not here. Not only that but my grandpa is gone too. How has this all happened? Maybe getting my tattoo touched up released some pent up emotions. I don't know. but sometimes I wish life wasn't real right now and I could turn back time and change how things are.

I'm glad I have my family though. I'm so grateful for my daughter. I'm happy that I'm closer to my step dad and I'm thankful for Jesse.  I know things will never be "normal" but its hard to get used to this "new normal" I'm in a weird place where I'm excited for the future and all to come but I want to go back in time.

I don't know..