Confused

Sometimes the thought of a relationship intrigues me. I do want to be married one day and I do want another baby.

But it is damn hard to find someone.

I've gone back and forth between two past relationships, which was silly.. washing my hands of both for another one to pop in. Why am I repeating history?

So here I am confused. I think I go back only because its familiar. I've established somewhat and it seems we can pick up where we left off. Two of those relationships is easy to pick up on because it hasn't been a lengthy passing of time, plus they see my life on facebook or at work. But one of those relationships was left off in probably the most transitional time of my life and 3 years later.. I'm completely different and have been down a completely different path all the while they lived a completely separate life.  How can you merge back together when you left off at the start of different paths?

Well my head tells me is to run. Run like I should have a long time ago. My heart tells me to see what happens. My feelings are so far different though. I don't necessarily like this person, but I think from having such strong feelings in the past is what's helping pull me in. I know I should just let this go.. but its messy to do that, and its messy to not do that. What mess will be worth it? I also am attracted to sad people. I have no idea why. I sense loneliness in this person and I want to change it. I feel the responsibility to help. Why do I care? I have no idea.

In reality, I want a clean slate. I want someone new, even if I have to start over yet again. I want someone who adores me, who adores ev . I want someone who can fit and accept us and help build on to a future. Do I feel worthy of such a person? No. And where in the hell do you find someone like that? Where do you even meet new people? Lol I really don't even understand why I want to find someone. Single is easy. I think I'm just ready to move on with life and for once not have to be alone.

But being alone is easy. No questions, no answers. Just myself and EV of course. I just want something not predictable. Something simple, something that changes the path of life to somewhere new, exciting and all that amazing life stuff you can hope for.

I'm also damn stubborn and determined to do it all by myself. Alone.

You're probably just as confused as I am lol