The world can be sad but with you, I'm OK

Sometimes the world can be a sad place.

Sometimes I can't believe the things that happen in the world.

Sometimes I feel this place is too scary, and too sad to be in. But I remember I am here with Ev and I want to be here until well, I'm not here.

I hate seeing these tragedies. I hate wondering why they are even happening. What on earth makes people want to cause so much pain?

I've been struggling a bit. I've been thinking too much of the past. I do this often but I know in my heart where I'm meant to be. I wish people could understand all that I went through. I wish that they realized how it felt to go through what I've been through. It's harsh knowing that won't happen. 

I know I'll never be validated for everything. I know It won't ever settle right in my heart. but I know that Ev and I are better off. I can be all that Ev needs. She doesn't know that someone is missing in her life. She doesn't know he exists  I've given him a chance to see her life and yet he turned it down. I don't want money, I don't really want anything from him. Maybe an acknowledgment that he left behind one beautiful daughter. 

his loss.

Our life has gone on, and here we are. I honestly love Ev with everything. Sometimes when I get angry or mad that he's living the life he wants and I'm not.. I realize that without Ev, my life wouldn't be much. Sure I'd probably be out and about in the world more. Partying it up like I have something worthwhile.. but in reality I think that I got the life I deserve. I have a beautiful, smart wonderful little girl who may drive me completely crazy at times but who loves me unconditionally. I'm here mama. Even Ev knows to say "it's OK mama" and it really is. I get sad and I think a part of me will always be sad that I never got the family I wanted. But I did get a the beautiful daughter I wanted. I don't have to be treated badly by someone I probably would have never loved. Instead I lead a life of immense amounts of love and joy. I've got to see just exactly how much I can survive and handle. I learned that I can build my own self up from the very bottom. I learned that I can make myself happy all on my own. I learned that I am enough.

It's hard, and it sucks. It sucks that someone couldn't love me, and they couldn't love their own child. It hurts everyday but I can live with the fact that I will only know that. Ev will never feel it. 

I just need to remember that life is how it's suppose to be. If we were suppose to be a family with him, he would be here. He's not and we're fine without him. Perfectly fine. :)