reality

Reality.

Not as much fun as the dreams inside my head. Not as pleasant or as easy going. I mean life isn't all bad. There are times where it's absolutely wonderful. but reality is like a splash of ice cold water on a cold day. Not pleasant sometimes.

Things just aren't what they seem.. Like I posted before about expectations being the cause of heartbreak.. well you expect things to always be so darn wonderful.. but you forget the work that goes into everything. Nothing can be perfect, nothing can just go easy and that's the hurtful part because you are never prepared for the reality of it all. For the cold-hard truth. Nothing is ever what it seems. It's never as bad as you thought, but it's not quite as good as you wanted. Life is cruel in that way.

My life seems to turn out all the ways I don't want it to. I feel like I'm missing something.. well a lot of things. I feel like I'm waiting constantly for that one little thing that will start the rest of whatever. I can't say if it's a person or an opportunity but seriously. I guess I need to switch up the game plan and do some things different but then again I have no idea and in some ways I don't want to. I'm exhausted. I just want to sleep.

Plus sometimes you think you're sooo close to something good, and think you may have found something new and exciting in life and it turns out it was a hoax and maybe the reality is that you just read to much into it in the first place. Again it's exhausting and confusing and so time consuming that I find myself just wanting to be alone forever. I'm just sick of not knowing, waiting, wondering and hoping something good will turn out. Doesn't mean it needs to be serious but a little fun and excitement would help. Plus I have no idea what the fuck to do when it comes to being with someone. I'm completely stupid when it comes to that and I wish I could figure out the right way to go about things.. but I don't. I think I'll just be alone, forever. I'm good at it.

but in other news..

Rachel's little boy is going to be ONE on Saturday. A year ago we were both very pregnant and taking maternity pictures. I'm in awe at how time has flown. I wish I could go back sometimes but well, you can't. Maybe just to re-live the moments, just to appreciate those times a little bit more.

Everyone is just growing up so fast.. moving on..moving up and away. I just sit here and watch and try to find my way up. There's always a bit of hope in my heart but stress is weighing me down. I just want to move forward with life. Get on with it! I need to indulge in these moments but I'm afraid I'm being left behind.