a day I didn't want to celebrate.

I know it's no secret that my daughter doesn't have her father in her life. I think I've made it apparent. I haven't heard from him since she was 1 month old and he hasn't seen her since was almost 2 weeks old. Now I'm not trying to be bitter.. but it stings a little.

I guess its just the thought of how can someone just not love their baby? How can someone see her born and be able to walk away like it was nothing. How can you not care about this beautiful baby who's your blood, who's half yourself? I don't understand it and I never will.

I have a hard time celebrating "fathers" my own wasn't in my life. Yes, I turned out fine. but I still wanted to give something better for my baby. The one thing that I did have was good father figures. I had my grandpa and my step-dad. Although my step-dad and I have never been able to get a long, he's still been there and he's always provided for me. Plus he loves Ev and has been an amazing grandpa to her.  but the point is, this day feels like valentines for most people. I just don't like it and honestly the dislike started last year while pregnant. Before it was just a day that I couldn't really celebrate.
and what bothers me the most is when Ev is in school and when they have to make "fathers" day gifts. I always made mine for my grandpa but it was awkward having to explain that I didn't have a dad..

which in a way pisses me off. Because neither her or I made the decision to have him not be in our lives. We had that decision made for us.


I've been dreading this day.. I've even been having nightmares about this day. Silly as it sounds. It just bothers me because I want to know how he feels about this day, what's going on his brain. Is he guilty? Does he care? Think about it? Plus I don't want people to give him the satisfaction of sympathy or people he may not know that he's not involved in daughters life.. wish him a happy fathers day. Or in spite of me..

because that cooks up a rage inside my heart that I can't even explain.

but in another way..if he feels bad that makes me feel bad because some sick, demented part of my soul still gives a damn..and in a way, it would hurt me if he didn't feel bad? Another part that hurts, which is the downfall of everything..is thinking of things that should and that are not. In a way I miss the guy because if he was the guy I thought I knew.. well I can picture that person right by my side. I can picture him with us everywhere we go.. but its so stupid and so unrealistic but at times its comforting. Crazy as it all sounds..


but as bitter as I should feel and All this heaviness that I've been weighing my heart down with I've come to realize..

this day should be a day to celebrate. I can celebrate my mom for being a mom and a dad before my step-dad and helping me raise Ev. I can celebrate my step-dad for how he's been here for my mom and I and now Ev. My Grandpa for being my grandpa and helping me with so much through my life! I can celebrate friends who are father's. Amazing examples of how men should be. and most of all..

myself.

I look back on this last year and a half of my life and I'm amazed that I can still stand here and live life and be happy. Despite the constant heartbreak, despite the set backs. I've been through a lot, maybe not as much as others but a lot for me and here I am through the wreckage of it all.. happy. On my own and accomplishing as much as One plus one can accomplish. I need a lot of help at times but I'm doing good.

I'm not as sad as I thought I'd be but my heartaches. The cracks are stinging and letting me there still there. but the hope I have for tomorrow helps. Maybe one day this holiday won't cause pain or anxiety or bitterness. Maybe..