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It's funny when you have a baby, how everything in the house is baby. Seriously every room has something baby in it. My room went from a milk-making station (when I was breastfeeding) to a sleep room, to now having Ev's own little play place for when I need to clean or work on things in here. Her room, well is ALL baby. The living room is surrounded in toys, the kitchen is surrounded in toys and bottles and feeding stuff, the front room even has baby toys all over. My car has a ton of baby stuff in it. It cracks me up! Even my grandparents house is filled with baby stuff again.

having a baby changes everything. seriously.

I guess I wouldn't want it any other way. Sometimes I try and think of where I would be now, if I hadn't of had Ev. I don't think I'd be much of anywhere to be honest. I fear that I would have gone down a bad path. Like partying to much and what not.. well luckily, I didn't.

Life's been stressful though. I need a job SOOOO bad but yet, I don't want to work. I feel myself getting lazy, I don't want to be lazy. I want to be able to go to work and do stuff and come home and be relieved and happy that I finished a full days work. I want to be able to go to my own home. So I'm setting a goal for myself, Ev and I WILL BE moved out of here by March of next year. Sooner if I can. I want us to have our own place because I can't be here much longer.

Not saying my home life is bad, because its not. It's just annoying more than anything. I love my mom to death but she just takes over too much. She tells me what to do with Ev and when to do it, when Ev is my baby 1. I already know and 2. I can do it. I don't need that much help and I want to do stuff on my own so I can do it on my own. I hate that she thinks that I need her that much. I need her, but not as much as she thinks I do.
My step dad is really good with Ev but he is entirely to annoying for me. We've never gotten along. We just don't see eye to eye. He thinks that I owe him the world because he pays the bills. No, that's what happens when you have kids. He acts like I owe him for them raising me. Uh, well no, I owe you nothing for me growing up. I don't expect Ev to owe me anything because I raised her. Maybe respect, and I try my hardest to give everyone respect but hes disrespectful to me. For instance, when he fights with my mom, he'll call us "assholes" why am I one? I'm not fighting with anyone and I'm not in the fight and it has nothing to do with me. So how am I the asshole? mostly they fight over him golfing too much, which I'm on HIS side about. I love it when hes gone golfing all day. Seriously. Mostly because I hate him being home and when he's golfing, he's gone so I prefer him to golf! My mom doesn't and I don't understand why. Plus he wakes up Ev ALL the time because he is too damn loud. grr..

but I just want to be on our own. Me and Ev in our own little place. No one to answer too, no one to step on our toes. just us. It may be lonely but it sounds like paradise right now. I've outgrown this place. I just wish I could do it all now. That I could just be out and away and happy. Sometimes I feel like I'm not capable of it all. But I am or I will be.


Being home all the time is hard too. I'm annoyed by my mom and I hate to say it but Ev has been driving me nuts too. her teeth are coming in and she has been nothing short of a demon. She won't entertain herself what-so-ever. If she's playing toys, she needs someone to be right there with her. I love playing with her but I have stuff to do in the day, like cleaning and applying for jobs Ect.but she does this bird squawk that is absolutely ear splitting. My brain like shortens out every time she does it. And she will do until she is moved to a different location, her toy she wants is handed to her, or until she gets what she wants. She is only entertained for a mere 5 minutes at a time. She likes to fight her bottles, she will arch her back and scream, shove the bottle away. Girlfriends hungry but she feels a fight is necessary. Then once you get the bottle in her mouth she drinks away. She's just been a cranky demon. (she doesn't get it from me lol) If you tell her to stop screeching she gives you look like "Oh no you didn't just tell me what to do" and screams again..making eye contact. Stubborn little shit.
I swear. She's making me nutso. I love her to death and back but momma needs her time away. Sad as that sounds. I seriously praise stay at home moms because being with your baby 24/7 is tough. It sucks having to leave all day but its tough being with them ALL day. There really is no happy medium. Maybe if I had been home with her everyday her whole life, then I'd be used to that but I'm not. But she's a crank from her teeth and I feel bad, I wish I could stop the pain but I can't, so shes a screaming mess all day.

ugh. not to mention the fact that all my choices as a parent get overridden by grandma. I'll lay Ev down to nap and of course she fusses a bit but I let her cry it out for a minute because she usually rolls over and shes out! but it takes a minute. But no, my mom likes to rush in there and snatch her up like she's on fire. I told you to LEAVE her alone so she could sleep. But what I say doesn't go. PISSES ME OFF! I wish I could get her to stop without being rude or hurting her feelings but there is NO way of getting around that. I'm just so frustrated and DONE.