If I want it, I'll have to do it my self.

Sometimes it still amazes me that I'm a mom. It amazes me that I was able to grow a living person. Pretty freaking amazing. Every time I look at Ev, it's honestly like I'm looking at her for the first time. I'm so amazed by her and how much she changes everyday. Being a mother is truly a gift. To be a parent at all is honestly the greatest gift. Babies just grow so fast, they change everyday right before your eyes and you don't even notice it until you really look. One day Ev was this little chubby orange baby and now she's this spunky little lady. When I sit and look at her and notice all of the changes, it just amazes me. I don't know how all this time has passed without me really understanding it. You don't grasp the amount of time that's gone by until you stop for a moment and realize it.

It terrifies me in a way. I don't want time to go by so quickly. It scares me to think that I'm getting older and older. It scares me what I have to do, who I have to become. I don't feel ready. I guess I wasn't really ready when I was thrown into this time of my life but there's no going back. I wouldn't go back but I wish that time would slow down a bit.. well maybe after my birthday lol. but too soon Ev will be grown up, and I know that's silly to think of right now, but the way things are going, I can't help but to fear it. I know it's nothing to fear but I don't know if I can handle it all. It's a lot. Maybe that's why you're supposed to have a partner, to share that with. To sit back and say "Woah, life happened." I don't have that, and I highly doubt I will. but I know in my heart that I can hold myself together. I've done it so far. seemingly well.

It's hard to think that the little family I wanted, I won't have. That white picket fence, I'll just have to build myself. Sometimes you just have to accept that you're alone. He didn't want that white picket fence life, I did. I'm determined to have it. With just me and Ev because if anyone deserves that, it's her.

It's stressful, it's lonely but I have great pride knowing I've done all that I've can to be a mom and good person. I've held my head up high, even when I wanted to duck in shame and I've trekked on because there's not much else to do.