Sense of smell

One thing about me is that I seem to associate feelings to certain smells. They bring up memories but mostly I remember how I felt at that time in my life. Certain lotions, candles ect. Some bring up good memories, some not. For instance, last year for my birthday I got lotion as gifts. They are scents I picked out and wanted. I used them religiously for a while but now.. I can't. Why? Well two days before my birthday is when I found my ex was with another girl. It honestly crushed my heart in a million little pieces.
I'm still looking for those pieces. And a way to put them back together. Guess you have to be whole hearted before you can be with someone else. This may be a while..
Back to the story.. well those lotions sit on a shelf in my bathroom. The mere thought of them dig up an agony so deep, it almost feels fresh. I can't explain but they're painful to smell. Silly huh? Reading blogs from last year put a giant knot in my stomach. Its like cutting open a deep scar. Its almost more painful the second time around.

I'm having one of those freak outs again. One where I need to be alone to be in my head. I feel like I need to be stoic because crying over the past is stupid. But it hurts. Its coming up on the anniversary of the hardest months of my life and it feels like when your watching a horror movie and you know what's going to happen next but no matter how much you scream you can't get the person not to walk in the room. That's what it feels like when looking back on my memories.

I don't know what's with the anxiety but I feel so stuck in life. Like I'm not worthy enough for the next step. Where is there to go from here? What is next? I'm so scared to feel like I did a year ago. I can't even explain what it felt like. I still feel it from time to time but its not constant hurt.

It may be pathetic that I'm freaking out over nothing. Just over the fact that I feel stuck in life, like I've got everything to prove but no strength. Hopefully this weird looming feeling will go away..