freak outs

This weekend was a nice weekend! I spent it at home, which I've said before is more my thing then going out. Saturday I went over to my friend Rachel's parents house. We had a gluten-free cupcake party and then we went hot tubbin! Just what I needed.
But wearing a swimsuit freaked me out. I guess I need to get used to the fact that I have stretch marks. I should be proud! I earned those. but they're hard to get used to. Also the fact that I have a giant scar, luckily bottoms hide those but its creepy to see. I don't know how I'm going to let someone see my body when I start dating. I'm self conscious about it and they will never understand what I went through to get those. They won't appreciate them so to say.

I was also having many panic attack type things. More like mini freak outs or anxiety I don't know what to call it but I was having them. More reason I guess to be on medicine.
my first freak out was because I was watching Jersey shore.. I know this sounds ridiculous but stay with me.. so I was watching it while Ev was playing in her saucer with her toys. I panicked at the thought of her becoming one of those people. How badly do I have to fuck up parenting for her to become like  jersey shore cast member? What is that I shouldn't or should do to prevent that future for her? I'm no where near like those people and i pray to God she takes after me in that sense. (my ex should be on jersey shore) I just want her to be a good person and I fear that I'm going to do something wrong, not be there enough ect. and she'll end up like Deena or Snooki or worse.. the situation! yuck. I know those fears are irrational and all I can do is my best and hope that she learns from that example.
Then I freaked out because I realized how alone I am. I feel like I have no one. Not a person I can run to when things get hard. I have my family sure, but sometimes I need to get away from them. I have friends but they have families of their own to worry about. Its truly scary to realize you're alone.

Then I had a freak out because of my ex. I hate him so bad sometimes. I hate seeing him with other girls. It irritates me because he never really tried to work it out with us, when Its more beneficial for us to work it out for Ev. In the end its a blessing that he didn't but it still hurts a little bit. I don't have feelings for him, I don't want to be with him.. I just want to forget him. Simple.as.that.  It's hard though. You can't forget the person whos hurt you the most. I just wonder why I didn't have a baby with someone who was a man, who would have done the right thing regardless of his own wants. I know in my soul, he's not the right person for Ev and I but I wonder why I had to have Ev with him.. why not someone else?

Then I saw that the girl he dated while I was pregnant said something to him about him dating whores. Although I can't disagree but doesn't she realize she's one of them? That's why he dates her all the time? She's upset because he got back with his girlfriend again after sleeping with her again. That doesn't make his girlfriend a whore because you slept with him while they were on a break or whatever. Of course he'd go back to his girlfriend. Plus, wouldn't that make you the whore if you're the one sleeping with peoples boyfriends? Obviously your not worthy enough of being a "girlfriend" if they just use you to cheat on their girlfriends. HELLO, wake up and look in the mirror. Plus my ex isn't the only guy she does stuff with. I met a kid who told me he would cheat on ALL of his girlfriends with her. uh, cute. real cute. Why don't you save the world the trouble and make her your girlfriend?

enough of that. UGH I just wish I didn't have to see stuff like that! I wish I could just vindicate myself and prove how truly awful these people are. I just need to turn a blind eye..no sense digging into the past.