A good life.

Sometimes I catch myself getting angry, bitter, resentful ect. And I want to just yell or punch someone in the face.. well one person and maybe another. I get so caught up in all of the anger and resentment that I just feel so hopeless and down and upset..

I hate it.

But then I thought about it yesterday. I need to stop thinking about the past. I let my mind wander back into it all the time and I'm angry and upset about it all over again before I can even realize what's going on. Nothings going to change anything thats happened, nothings going to make it better. Freaking out, yelling and punching people in the face isn't going to make anything better or vinidcate me. It's going to make it worse and put me in the wrong.

When I remember that I realize that plotting revenge is stupid. I don't need to seek revenge. I just need to live my life. I just need to focus on Ev and what we have. I have a good life, I'm a good person and I have so much love and I would rather display love, then hate.
I'm angry still, I'll admit. But there's nothing I can do to make what happened better besides moving on. Its taking its time and sometimes I feel better about everything and then one day I wake up and it still hurts. Or I run into people who dig up the past..

but all in all, I'm lucky. I have a happy, healthy, beautiful, smart, loving (although TOUGH) baby girl. Who lights up my life. Seriously. I felt that yesterday just sitting with her while she was playing in her car jumper. She was smiling and just being down right cute. I love that girl. She smiles whenever I walk in the room. She smiles when I talk to her. She laughs at my stupid songs, and dances. She loves me, for no other reason then for being her momma. No matter how stressed and grumpy I am, she still wants me to hold her. Sometimes I feel like she likes my mom more than me but when I have her and my mom trys to take her she whines until I have her again. it melts my heart into mush. She may be tough as hell, but shes still the love of my life!

and all I have to do is remember that. and then I remember that I have a good life.. a good, good life. :)