I know I've been talking about the baby blues a lot lately, mostly because I'm pretty sure I have them, and full force.
Everything has been rough. It seems once I get used to one way of things, everything changes. I feel trapped. I love my baby more then anything and I don't understand why I'm not happy.
I just feel like I'm going to be stuck in this place in life and I'm never going to get out. I feel like I'm never going to sleep again. I'm also dreading work which I know is going to make me hate life.
This has been the biggest life change since I found out I was pregnant. Everything is so different and I'm not sure how to adjust to it.
I feel like I've lost all my friends and I have no one. I feel completely alone and I'm not sure what to do. The days are short and the nights are long and neither of the times am I sleeping. I feel like I've ruined my family's life because they have to help me with a baby although its not their responsibility and of course I'm ashamed when it comes to who I had a baby with.
That's probably been the biggest thing right there. Stupid as it is. I just fucked up big time when it came to trusting people and it kills me to remember how stupid I was. and apart of me wishes he'd still change..
I just feel like I fucked up my life. I feel like I'll never get to be.. myself. My life isn't mine anymore. I know this sounds horribly selfish but I had no choice but to devote my life to this little girl, because I'm all she has when it comes to a parent. I feel like I'm a bad mother too, partly because I get frustrated and cry too much and I can't make enough milk because of all this stress and my diabetes and not to mention the fact that I have NO idea what I'm doing. All I want to do with my life right now is sleep. its been the only way to really escape everything. Its a shame I can't sleep. It sucks to feel that you need to escape from your own life, but when it seems like everything is crashing down, then what else can I do? I honestly have no where to go and no one to go to. I don't get why this has been such a hard transition for me and I'm praying that it gets better but for now I'm just trying to be a robot and do what moms are suppose to do. Feed, burp, change diapers, bathe, cloth, and soothe.
I really love My baby girl, she is the only thing that's really keeping me going. I just don't know what to do to get out of this funk. I hate being sad, I hate feeling hopeless but I'm not sure how I can fix what I'm feeling.
You did have a choice, you could have chose adoption, but you wanted Evelyn. And it's a good thing you did because she needs you. In a way, I know what it's like to do it alone- It was just me and Calee for the first 8 months. I hardly knew anyone here, so it was literally just me and her. It was hard, and I also got the baby blues because of Mike deploying again and everything. So in a way, I know what you are going through, but you are doing a great job. Don't let yourself think about the mistakes you may have made in your past, because your past will hold you back from your future. You have to just let go of those things, because you cant change them. Hang in there girl, it gets easier. I am here if you need to talk ok?
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