If you can't change it, let it be.

One thing I hate about the baby blues is that its making me feel alone. I feel like I'm completely alone and have nobody. I also feel empty but I mean after 9 months of carrying a baby, your bound to feel empty. I don't know how to explain it but I feel worked to the bone, I'm drained emotionally and physically. I feel trapped and alone and I hate every minute of this feeling. I do feel happiness and joy, Its only when it comes to funny moments with Ev. I only really get upset at night because I know that I won't be sleeping and thats when it hits me worse that I'm alone.
I know that being alone isn't something that should bother me right now. I need to focus strictly on Ev and myself but its hard when other things are going on and I know about them and there is nothing I can do.
Its hard to know that I'm having a hard time and I'm working so hard and its constant and the other person who is suppose to be here with me, isn't,

but I need to stop focusing on that and I'm going to. I'm just going to let things be. I had to do it before and i have to do it now. I can't change anything, I can't make it go away, I can't alter anything. It is what it is. Its going to be whats its going to be and I can't do anything. I can't wish for bad things to happen to these people and I can't hope for good either. I just have to let go and move on with mine and Evs life and let these people do what they do. If karma comes, great, if it doesn't, then oh well. Its no longer my concern. I've had people do awful things to me and not care and I have to not care and move on. I have the best thing life can offer and although its lonely and a lot of work, it will pay off. When Ev is an adult and she looks back on who took care of her all her life, I'll be proud when that was me and only me. I'm not even doing anything wrong, I'm doing exactly what I should. I have no regrets for my behavior, none at all.

Me and Ev are going to have a good life. I know we are because I'm going to make it a good life for the both us.


Speaking of this little lady she is 3 weeks old today!

1 week from being a month old already?! To celebrate her 3 weeks of life she decided to stay up ALL night. She's lucky shes cute! Also her belly button stump FINALLY fell off this morning! now its weird looking..
but me and my mom decided to take her shopping today and pick her up a nice swing (she loves being rocked to sleep but there are not enough hours of the night to do this) I bought myself a couple shirts to celebrate losing 30 pounds! and we also got a couple other things. but it was nice to get out, even with the lack of sleep.

Ev definitely likes to stay awake more. Shes a little fussy as of late and I think shes going through a growth spurt since shes a bottomless pit. This kid can EAT. unfortunately I cannot keep up with this girl on the milk makin so we have to supplement with formula which makes Ev puke. She has puked on my mom a total of 2 times. Me = 0. Crossing my fingers lol She still does little gas smiles. and her hair is getting longer. I really don't want it to fall out. She is still as opinionated as ever. But I love that she already has a personality. I love my little girl. I wouldn't trade the hard times of mommy hood for even the funnest party at this point. Because with all these hard times, theres just these little joyous moments that make up for any hard time at all.

It's sad that some people don't realize what all of this is worth. Its a shame, really.