Free

I don't feel guilty anymore. I don't feel that I'm the one to blame for why hes not around. I tried to get him to come over and talk to me so we can discuss a parenting plan for when Evee is born. I don't want to talk about the past, I don't need an apology. I just wanted to hear what his plans were when it came to being a dad and to let him know how things were going to be. He refused to come and talk to me. He doesn't have "time". So I told him to forget it then. If he doesn't have the time, he's off the hook. I wasn't mean, I wasn't rude. I was calm and straight to the point. He was pissed. He called me names said "fuck you" and called me to yell at me. (I was at work so I didn't answer)
It doesn't matter how I talk to the kid, he gets angry either way. I can be mean and yell and scream or I can be calm and reasonable or I can even be as sweet as a cupcake. The kid still gets angry and calls names. I didn't even swear at him. He said I was being rude trying to take his kid away,
No.. my intentions were to talk things out so we can co-parent and you CAN be in her life. I'm letting go of everything that's happened and trying to work with you so we can work together on raising this little girl.
but he won't listen and he if doesn't like what I say he calls me names or ignores me.
He thinks that I'm just going to let Evee go stay with him for days at a time and we don't have to talk or anything. Uh no.. I don't know who you live with, I don't know where your living, I don't know who you hang out with, I don't know what you do in your spare time. I would be CRAZY to let you take her. Plus she'll be to little to be away from me for a while. She needs her momma. I don't even know if he can change a diaper or make a bottle..
If he would come and talk to me then I could find this stuff out and maybe, just maybe it could work but I'm not handing my child off to someone I don't talk or don't even really know. I thought I knew him but I honestly don't. I don't know why he refuses to just sit down and talk things out so we can be civil but I cant make him do what he wont do.
All I have control over is who is around my daughter. I wish he could be around but he doesn't want to be. I tried to make it better and let go of things so we could both be involved but I get called names and yelled at and told how much he doesn't like me and wants nothing to do with me and doesn't care. Its abusive and I don't respond to abuse.

I tried, I honest to God tried. I tried to be the bigger person, I tried to let go of the past and tried to move forward and be friendly with him and it failed. I can't have someone who is like that around in my life and in my daughters. I can't be called names in front of my daughter and for really no reason. It doesn't matter how I speak to him, I always get the same result.

I don't feel guilty for anything I've said. I won't feel guilty for him not being around in the future because I tried to work things out. I swallowed my pride and asked him to move forward and I was denied. I gave him another chance and he turned it down. what more can I do? I tried to be the bigger person, I put all the hurt and bitterness and anger away and it did me no good with him. its still the same, it will always be the same with him. A fight, a battle. He wants everything handed to him and he wants to do what he wants to do and get everything he wants as well. It doesn't work like that. life isn't like that.

I know I can do this on my own, I've done it on my own so far. I know things will be okay, I know me and Ev will be okay. We will be even better then if he were here because there will be no fight, no waiting around for him. I think.. no I know I'm making the right decision. He's not ready to be a father and I can't make him grow up. All I can do is let it go and let him go. I don't even feel upset about what happened. I feel free. because I know in my heart that I'm making the right decision and that I've done everything that I could have done and it didn't work and I'm not the one to blame. The past is the past and the future is bright.

By the way I heard a really good quote yesterday.. its from Gordon Hinckley. Weird. but I think it applies..

"the cause of most of man's unhappiness is sacrificing what he wants most for what he wants now"