Sometimes I wish..

Sometimes I wish I could go out whenever I please, sometimes I wish I could get drunk on the weekends, sometimes I wish I could date whoever or at least be able to kiss some cute guys whenever I pleased. Sometimes I wish I could stay out all night and spend all my money on cute summer clothes and swimsuits.

Sometimes I wish I could still be young and stupid. Sometimes I wish I could still make mistakes.

But I can't. I can't exactly go out whenever I please, I'm too tired from working and being fat and pregnant. I can't get drunk on the weekends, because I'm pregnant. I can't date who ever I want right now, or even kiss a cute guy, because I'm pregnant. I can't stay out all night because like I said, I'm too tired and worn out from working and being pregnant to stay up past 11:30. I can't spend all my money on cute summer clothes and swimsuits because my body has changed from being pregnant and I have to buy all these baby things on my own. I can't be stupid and make mistakes.. because that will affect my daughters life negatively.

I don't resent being pregnant, Oh no. I'm happy to be having this baby and I would go through this all over again just to have my baby girl. What I do resent is that he gets to do all the things I can't. He gets away with it. He'll always get away with it. He can go out and get drunk and be told how great of a dad hes going to be, he can drink every weekend when shes here and still be a "good dad" whether or not he's seen her in a month or not. If I go out and drink every weekend, I'll be considered a bad mom. Why? because I should be home with my baby and not out. If I date, I'll be considered a slut. Why? Because I have a baby.

Its a sick double standard. I probably won't go out when shes here and I probably won't date a whole lot. I'd honestly just rather be with my baby. I'm just sick of guys getting away with doing whatever the hell they want.

I sound bitter..

Cause I am. I'm incredibly angry for what has happen. I'm incredibly angry for what is going on and I'm incredibly mad that I'm the only one who's in this pregnancy and yet I get a bad rap for being upset at him. I know hes a fun guy and has some good qualities. But that doesn't make what hes done to me okay. That doesn't make abandoning your child and the mother of your child okay. I know I've said I'm starting to feel closure, I am. But its going to take a long time for me to get completely over this. I'm still mad. I'm still hurt. I still don't think any of this is okay. I get why it happened, I really do, but that doesn't excuse a DAMN thing that's happened. It doesn't change how I've been treated, it doesn't change what I've gone through. I'll be scarred for life from all the pain I've endured. I'll never be the same.

Sometimes I wish I could take it all back, but I know that I wouldn't.

Sometimes I wish I could change what happened.. but I can't. So I have to live with it.. forever.