Blindsided. I was blindsided.

Today has been tough. I can't believe I lost a friend. I can't believe I lost a friend because I'm pregnant. I would understand cutting me out if I were doing something wrong while being pregnant. But I've stepped up and I've taken responsibility for this and I will for the rest of my life. How does that make me bad? because I'm not up to a righteous standard? when did they become so righteous anyways?

I'm just so sick of being angry and sad. I just don't know how to escape all of these things that make me sad or angry. I've cut him out of my life so I don't have to see him with her or see what hes doing or how awesome everything is without me. But I'm still angry at him for what hes done and I'm sad that hes not here or doesn't want to be. I'm angry at all these people for knowing what hes doing and being around him and not saying anything, or defending me. I'm sad that people don't care enough to defend me. I'm sad and angry that people can just cut me out just for the simple fact that I'm pregnant. I'm sad because I feel like a bad person. I feel like a bad person because things like this happen to bad people. Why else would I deserve this? I just can't understand what I've done.

I know I need to just move on. I need to be strong and I need to hold my head up and keep going. I just have the hardest time letting go. I really wanted him here and I really tried to keep him around but he didn't want to be here. I can't hold myself responsible for that. I really just want to focus on the good and keep stress free and happy and when I finally get my head above water, another wave hits. Like losing a friend. I just never expected that from her. There wasn't even an explanation really, its was more of "you're pregnant, that's great but I don't want you in my life and I don't want to be in yours" what can you say to that? I know I've been angry and sad lately and not much of a friend but I feel like I was made out to be this kind of.. monster. Am I a monster? Am I some awful, horrible person and no ones telling me? I know I could be a little happier but I try to feel happy and I can't. I try to stop feeling so angry, and I can't. I pray to let go and move on but its not working. I'm haunted by all the things that have happened, I have a hard time sleeping because I have dreams about my life and they're nightmares.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't hide from all the hurt, I can't even prepare for the next thing that's going to happen. I know something hurtful is going to happen and I tell myself it will happen so It wont hurt as bad, but it happens and it hurts. Maybe not as bad as being blindsided. I was blindsided by a friend, I was heartbroken and hurt so badly, I may never recover. Is this what makes monsters?