Two years

Its been two years since I graduated high school.. TWO years. what the hell?

Its weird how easily time passes these days. I remember being 10 and a year seemed like forever. Now a year seems like a month. I mean alot has definitely happened within the last two years. well obviously.. but it seems like when you finally get a moment to think about the last two years, you realize that its been two years.

I remember graduating high school, I remember how proud I was. granted its high school, but its a big deal! I was so happy and so amazed that I was done with high school. I still remember freshman registration where they said "Its never to early to think about college, before you know it, you'll be done with high school" I laughed at that because well.. time seemed slower then. Now I'm two years out of high school. that was what like SIX years ago? I mean how does all this time happen? You think of the future.. and then you're in it. Its crazy.

If I knew that my life would be what it is today, I wouldn't believe it. If I knew that the one person who has changed everything, was going to be that person. I wouldn't have believed it. because two years ago.. well things were definitely different. I'm no where near where I thought I'd be.. but on the upside, I'm no where near where I didn't want to be.

I miss being 18 and just barely graduating. I miss that feeling of having the whole wide world ahead of you. I miss the feeling of having plans but not knowing exactly where they will take me. I miss being so hopeful of what was to come. I just miss it. I don't miss being naive, but I'm not really enjoying being jaded either.

Although things are WAAAAY different now. I have a whole new world. Its not as broad as being a fresh out of high school girl. Becoming a mom is a completely different thing. Its not a pathway where you can fuck up and things still turn out somewhat alright. You kinda have to give it your all, your whole entire being. Becoming pregnant has changed pretty much everything about my life, Motherhood is going to change by measures that I have no idea of yet. Its a lot to take in and its a lot to think about. Its changed everything, but yet its still going to change everything all over. Kinda scary.

Looking back on the past two years, I definitely wish I would have been smarter in some situations, I've always known better, doesn't mean I make the right choice all of the time. but I can't sit and think about that last two years, I need to think about the next two years. Where will I be in the next two years? well in a year I'll have an almost 9 month old daughter. the next year after that I'll have an almost two year old daughter. crrrrazy to think about. those are known facts. But whats going to be crammed in between all these anniversaries and milestones? Am I going to have more anniversary's and milestones to reflect on year after year? who knows! It seems the point I'm trying to make is, well you can't exactly plan for anything. I mean you can set a direction but that doesn't mean things will go that way. Things happen in between your plans, that eventually change your plans and set you a whole new direction. I'm sure everyone who lives has discovered that. I just hope that mine and Ev's future is good. Well I'm going to make sure its good. I just don't know what the hell to do.. lol hopefully that will come with time.

well enough on my reflective essay.. Jesus.