reasons

Being with old friends tonight taught me alot.

It's sad to know that part of my life is over. I mean I'll probably be able to go out and have fun once in a while after Ev gets here. It just won't be the same.

I'm a mom now, its insane to say. It makes me cry. I don't know why, I'm very, very happy to be a mom but a part of me will miss being young and carefree.

I'll miss it. I'll miss late nights. I'll miss the lack of sleep and drinking every weekend. I'll miss doing whatever I want, when I want. I'll miss running away to salt lake and going on random crazy adventures with my best friends.

I'll miss it because at my age, I should still be doing that. Right now I should be just out of school for the summer and looking forward to the late nights, and the only thing that should be on my mind is the next cute guy I'll meet.

Things are so different now. and Its just going to change, more and more.

In a way, I don't mind leaving this behind because it wasn't what I wanted out of life. I've always wanted to be a mom, just not at 20. I can't take it back now and I wouldn't if I had the choice. The love I feel for Evee is stronger then the love I feel for my youth.

I couldn't live without Evee now. It wouldn't be possible.

another thing I learned is, everything happens for a reason. I know this line is used a lot but its true. Or at least I'd like to believe it is. There's a reason bad things happen to people. sometimes you won't know that reason for a long, long time. I guess you have to let time do its thing and let you know when its right. I can't guarantee there's an answer but if there is, you'll find out. I'm going to hold onto this belief, I don't know the reason for a lot of things that have happened. But maybe I'm not ready to hear them right now. I have to believe that after all this, theres something happy and better, waiting for me. I have to believe it, because if I didn't I don't think I could survive. The obvious answer is my daughter of course. Shes something good that will make every hard day/night worth it. Even still, that won't heal all the wounds. I guess I'll stop trying to figure out the answers for now.