what you would find in my bag
well, you would find a bag of watermelon, and yogurt. My wallet, my blood sugar monitor, my camera , my makeup bag, hairspray, keys, and a lot of other lost and random items.
I carry a lot of junk my purse doubles as a lunch box and a shower bag essentially. (minus the shampoo and soap) and I'm positive the bottom of my purse is coated with sugar crystals (from sour patch kids candy) and used test strips. Isn't that irony at its finest? I should really clean the sucker out but it wouldn't stay clean for very long.
I feel like posting something. as you may have noticed I'm doing a 30 day challenge thing and I'm having an OCD episode where for the life of me I cannot post separate blogs. Don't ask me why, but its the way I feel.
So anyways. My last post was a rant about stuff. I don't like being so.. emotional but I am and I have to let it out. Right now I feel like the future is a blur, like there is nothing left for me. All the things I've wanted to do, I can't. I'll the things that I've wanted out of life, I'll never get. Because I fucked up.. once. It wasn't even just me that fucked up but I get to deal with the consequences. How is this fair? I'm going to trust good Ole God on this. I had a great line in my head while driving home, I posted it on FB. I don't pray normally. Because I don't have to much to pray for. I was perfectly happy until I made a mess of my life. Now I pray every night and I pray until there are tears in my eyes. What else can I do? I don't feel comfortable with the future anymore. I don't feel like things are going to be okay anymore. So I pray they will be. Does praying work? I don't know. I'm not into the whole religious mumbo jumbo to actually believe but I'm desperate here. I've read things where people say praying will save you from everything like mental illness or an illness in general to many other things. Can I pray diabetes away? no. I can pray that diabetes won't kill me and that I'll have strength to take care of it. does that even work? Not really. Now don't expect me to go to church or anything cause I won't. I'm not that desperate. but I'll continue to pray. To whom? I have no idea. well God, whomever that is.
anyways.. I'm grateful for the people who actually care about me right now. It makes me cry when people ask if I'm okay who are kinda in on this whole shitfest of mine. The pats on the back, the hugs. They help, they really do. They show that people are really out there rooting for me to survive this. I appreciate people begging me to tell them whats wrong so they understand better.(doesn't mean I necessarily want to be asked but I appreciate the concern!) I just need time to let it sink in before I can explain myself. without these few people who care. I don't know if I would have survived the past few days. that's scary to me. I feel I should be dead with the amount of wounds I've acquired, of course these wounds are not physical. but if they were, I'd be dead. It's weird how you can't die from hurt feelings. Maybe its because you want to die when your hurt like that. You can't always have what you want.
Today I have felt okay, but then it hits me that I'm not. I'm not okay yet. key word: yet.
I feel like posting something. as you may have noticed I'm doing a 30 day challenge thing and I'm having an OCD episode where for the life of me I cannot post separate blogs. Don't ask me why, but its the way I feel.
So anyways. My last post was a rant about stuff. I don't like being so.. emotional but I am and I have to let it out. Right now I feel like the future is a blur, like there is nothing left for me. All the things I've wanted to do, I can't. I'll the things that I've wanted out of life, I'll never get. Because I fucked up.. once. It wasn't even just me that fucked up but I get to deal with the consequences. How is this fair? I'm going to trust good Ole God on this. I had a great line in my head while driving home, I posted it on FB. I don't pray normally. Because I don't have to much to pray for. I was perfectly happy until I made a mess of my life. Now I pray every night and I pray until there are tears in my eyes. What else can I do? I don't feel comfortable with the future anymore. I don't feel like things are going to be okay anymore. So I pray they will be. Does praying work? I don't know. I'm not into the whole religious mumbo jumbo to actually believe but I'm desperate here. I've read things where people say praying will save you from everything like mental illness or an illness in general to many other things. Can I pray diabetes away? no. I can pray that diabetes won't kill me and that I'll have strength to take care of it. does that even work? Not really. Now don't expect me to go to church or anything cause I won't. I'm not that desperate. but I'll continue to pray. To whom? I have no idea. well God, whomever that is.
anyways.. I'm grateful for the people who actually care about me right now. It makes me cry when people ask if I'm okay who are kinda in on this whole shitfest of mine. The pats on the back, the hugs. They help, they really do. They show that people are really out there rooting for me to survive this. I appreciate people begging me to tell them whats wrong so they understand better.(doesn't mean I necessarily want to be asked but I appreciate the concern!) I just need time to let it sink in before I can explain myself. without these few people who care. I don't know if I would have survived the past few days. that's scary to me. I feel I should be dead with the amount of wounds I've acquired, of course these wounds are not physical. but if they were, I'd be dead. It's weird how you can't die from hurt feelings. Maybe its because you want to die when your hurt like that. You can't always have what you want.
Today I have felt okay, but then it hits me that I'm not. I'm not okay yet. key word: yet.
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