Day 24.

something I'm ashamed of

Uh well, theres about two things I'm ashamed of in my past. Both very, very similar but only one incident has led me to now and in this mess. I'm ashamed because both times I didn't use my brain and I used very poor judgement. they were incidents that I normally never let occur in my life and that I will definetly not let occur again. things are different now and I'm paying for making the same mistake twice. Not a horrible punishment but how I have to feel about myself is where the punishment stands. 

FYI: this post is a little on the personal side. But I really feel like venting and just letting out my frustrations. so you may or may not understand everything and I'm not meaning to be a emotional physco right now but this is just whats up so sorry!

Well today has been awful. truely unbelievably awful. I'm lucky that I have people who understand what I'm going through. because if I didn't, things would be a lot worse. Things have been incredibly, incredibly challenging for me lately and some people know why, others not so much because maybe if some people understood then they wouldn't try to get me in trouble. Everyday for the last few months has been a complete battle for me. I cannot even start to explain the things I have felt and had to deal with. sure they aren't the worst possible conditions a human could face but for me, they are hard. Waking up is a huge struggle, pretending to be okay is even harder when I'm 95% of the time not okay. I've always been good at masking my feelings and not letting on how I feel but now I can hardly pretend and I've had to openly admit my dailey struggle which makes me feel ashamed because I'm for once in my life unable to take care of myself. all I want is to be okay. not overly happy not 100% positive. Just okay. Okay enough to be able to work, to drive to sit and be alone. but I haven't been okay enough to do those things. I've been able to barely do them and I've taken a lot of risk with trying or well not trying. But honestly, I'm just grateful to have people I trust enough to tell who are going to encourage me to do better and to be happy and are willing to help and let me vent. because more then anything right now I need understanding. I need people to understand I'm not 100% okay and I'm not going to be myself because of it. I'm trying, oh God am I but its going to take a long, long time.

I'm just glad there are some good people who can be there when I'm left with people who can't. I've been let down today, more then I have in the past year, and if you read my past posts you can tell I've been let down a lot. I just had let myself believe in something that I knew was too good to be true. Now I guess this makes something I can be ashamed of in my future. letting myself believe something I was smart enough to know was too good to be true.

I can only count on tomorrow now and know that It will be there if nothing or no one else is. I can thank the people who understand me and forget the people who can't.  things are not better yet and I don't feel comfortable thinking they will get better. I can try and make them better but I can't make promises to myself anymore.  I have to live and let live. which I guess is my life. I have to live my life and let things just be, because obviously things are going to just be that way. I just have to get over all my hurt and anger and move on and try to make me better. because I've only got me.