I wanted this post to be a happy post.. but..

WHOO this is my 500th post... is anyone still there? haha

I know, my blog is well..only about Ev or whatever I'm mad about. So bear with me..

I've been really stressed lately..and I've felt really lonely.

and I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of feeling like there's nothing in my life. I know that sounds harsh because I have Ev and all but sometimes I feel like I'm pointless. Like I could just not be.. and well.. everything would be the same. Easier for some.

a part of it is because I'm so indecisive about things. For instance, I don't want to be a lone, but I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to work but I don't want to stay home. I don't want to stay home and do nothing but I don't feel like doing anything. I want to go out but I don't. It goes on and on.. I want to do it, but then again I don't.
It never ends.
Its like a constant battle in my brain and its exhausting. I don't know what I want in life, I don't know how to find whatever it is and I feel like I'm waiting for something.. but what? I hate waiting.
It just seems like life is a constant battle to stay afloat. I don't know if I can do it. I've weathered the storm, but now I'm tired. And sometimes your too hurt to heal. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for.. to heal.

Also, a friend of mine returned home from his mission. I always had the biggest crush on him but well, I'm way to embarrassed to talk to him. I don't want to explain my life the past year or so. I don't want to tell him. I'll probably never have to. There's just too much to go over, and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to go from here. I want so badly to seclude myself from the world but I don't want to be alone. I just don't want to be sometimes. I just want to rest and not have to talk or see anyone. Just lay there and be.. I don't want to function in the world anymore. I don't want to do anything, just rest.

I'm hoping this feeling fades out a little bit. I hate that it strikes so randomly. I wish I could happy-go-lucky. How is that even possible?

I'm just praying this stress doesn't eat me alive.