conflict

I feel conflicted.

A part of me wants to be single and be this power mom who can do it all on my own. The only problem is.. how the hell do I do it?

Another part wants me to find that one special man and get married and have another cute little baby. But how in the hell do I find and accomplish that?

but even another part of me just wants to have fun.. but I couldn't do that..

I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know what to look for. Hell, I don't even know what I want! Plus its not even about what I want, its about what I need.. what Ev and I need. What do we need?

Another fork in the road is the fact of who would date me? I mean I don't want anyone like my ex.. and I couldn't go to the opposite direction because of how I've already been with someone like my ex.. so where do I go? Who is this big wide world would want me? Especially with the baggage I bring..well a baby but a baby changes everything.Who's up for the challenge?

and then there's the fact that I'd actually have to let someone into my life.. I'd have to get to know them and learn to be with them. I don't want to learn something that may or may not stay. I just don't have the pateinece or time to build something up just for it to fall down eventually. Seriously, I have no hope.

All I really need is a friend. Someone who will talk to me, listen to me. Want to know ME. Then maybe we can turn it into something else. Someone to go places with, someone to see new things with. Someone who will support, care and pretend. Just a friend..


That's a pipe dream though. ha.