confused.

I have a sick eery, icky not-good feeling in my gut. I'm not sure if its because I drank last night or because I had a bad dream about my ex, or the fact that I ran into his sister today.. or maybe its because his mom is going to be in town tomorrow..

obviously I'm seeing signs here. The dream was so horrible I don't even want to discuss it because I will throw up..
seeing his sister wasn't too bad. I just haven't seen or talked to her for months now and I deleted her off facebook. Not because I hate her.. cause I don't. I just felt that it was the best thing to do. I contemplated deleting his mom.. but I would feel bad. She's the only tie that Ev has to that family even though its a rarity to hear from her. But I smiled and said hi, because what else am I suppose to do? There was no fight between us, hell there really hasn't been a fight between me and my ex in a long, long time. I've done my best to keep to myself. She said Hi back. good I guess..

Then with his mom coming into town..I'm nervous. She hasn't said anything to me about it, or asked to see Ev or anything. Last time she was here she didn't see Ev and that was when Ev was only 4 months old. So I'm not sure if she's going to even bother seeing Ev this go around. The part that bugs me is.. what do I do if she wants to see Ev? I know I can't say no, but my mom will KILL me if I let her see Ev. It would be better if she didn't ask and went about her business but if she does that then It will break my heart for Ev.

I guess its an awkward situation for all of us here. What do you do when your son has nothing to do with his child, hates his ex and has nothing to do with her and you still have a tiny bit to do with his child? What do I do when the ex that hurt me so badly and I can't stand the thought of's family wants to see my child that he abandoned.. and they let him abandon.. what do I do? I don't know.. there's just no winning in this situation! I wish the answers came more easily.

In a way I wish that he wasn't involved at all nor was his family.. or well his mother (shes the only one, ironically the one who lives in a different country) but that would be heartbreaking to me. I don't understand how you can not love this little baby, how you can completely write her off as nothing. She is YOUR family, she is YOUR blood. How can you sleep at night knowing this beautiful baby exists and your son, your brother, your whatever has nothing to do with her! How?

I just don't get it.. I don't know what to do because apart of me wants to scream about how awful it is that they let him get away with abandoning her.. how awful it is that they themselves don't try a little harder. but apart of me wants to welcome it because that's the only connection to her other half.. but I don't want to let him back.. not the way he is. Its just so confusing and hard. I want the past to be the past. I don't want to keep digging it up and reliving it. I want the dust to settle. It probably won't, at least for a few years it won't.

what have I gotten myself into? seriously.. all I ever wanted was the white picket fence life. I wanted that cute family. If I can't have that.. then can I at least be vindicated so I can live in peace?