I have a case of writers block a little. I get these great ideas of things I want to write about or stories I want to tell, then I type them and it just feels like "ahh, nevermind!" I can't get out what I need to say.. or want to say the way I want to say it. Know what I mean?
One thing I've been thinking about lately is how I miss my life being sort of private. With facebook and all that junk people can know what you're up to 24/7 pretty much. That keeps us all closer in a way but it's getting to be to much. I'm tired of knowing everyone drama and I'm tired of people knowing mine. I'm as guilty as anyone else but still. Basically I just want people who care about Ev and I on there. There's a lot of people on there that I don't really talk to, that I like and everything but they're all about partying and drinking and I'm not about that, and I don't care about it. Like they could care less about Ev and I. I have a great group of mommies that I talk to on facebook and those are my favorite posts, I love hearing about the kiddos. So those are the types of people I want on there, plus close friends and family. Time for a facebook cleanse in other words. I hate deleting people though, I feel rude, but it's not meant to be rude. I just don't think everyone needs to know my business and I want to be able to post things without it getting to people that don't have the right to know. Catch my drift?
In other words, I have another date i need to get out of. I'm bad when it comes to dating. I don't want to! People will ask me and I'll say yes because its just like "oh, okay it's one date I'll give them a shot" but when I know its somebody I will not date, then what's the point? It's sort of rude to string them along and I'll end up hurting their feelings either way. Maybe I should do it before they spend money on me? I hate that I dodge dates. I feel like I'm going to burn bridges with all my options. lol but I'm NOT settling. Not again. I'd rather be alone then settle for someone. If I'm alone forever for that.. then Oh well i guess. I just want to find that guy who's going to love me AND Ev. I need to find that guy that can step up and be a dad and a husband. It's probably going to be the hardest things to look for in my life. So what if I'm procrastinating it a little bit? I have a long time to find him.
but there are times when I'm snuggling my Ev and I wish that there was someone else with us.. or maybe two other people with us. (yes I want another baby someday!) Just have to wait and be patient. First of all work on myself and make sure that Ev and I are happy and healthy before I can take care of another person.In time, In time..
I know this is shallow but I want to find someone I'm attracted to physically as well. I've meant guys with good personality's, I've meant guys with good looks but none that I'm really attracted to, look-wise OR personality-wise. No one I'm drawn to, no one that I want to tell things to or be around or miss. Handsome is one thing but I need a personality that I'm drawn to. No one yet.
Even with everything, life is pretty good. Hard sometimes, lonely, unproductive, busy whatever.. it's still good. Especially when I look at Ev, her playing with her toys. Its crazy to me that this little girl has grown so much and that she plays and babbles and smiles and jumps for joy when she sees me. That little girl makes my whole world light up, she fills my heart full of love and my soul warms right up when I see her. You can't explain how much you truely love your babies. I'm sure all the mamas know. It's a feeling that I hope everyone can feel one day. One of the truest, most honest good feelings in the world. Nothing can compare.
I guess that's what Love is :)
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