react

Warning: this may be personal

So I've been watching the show weeds lately. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's really funny! It's about a suburban house wife whose husband suddenly passed away and to maintain her lifestyle she sells marijuana. It's a raunchy show in some ways, as you can imagine but from the raunchy parts, I don't get the reaction you should. Raunchy scenes, I mean sex scenes of course. lol Well with sex scenes, I believe they are suppose to be, shocking? entertaining? well with this show, some are definitely shocking but are they entertaining? No. I had the strangest reaction to the sex scenes in one episode (there were A LOT) I cried.
Yeah, I fucking cried during a sex scene. Not because I thought it was beautiful or romantic but because it more or less, made me feel bad. Awful actually. Like I was watching puppies get ran over bad. I bawled. Especially at the part where Nancy (the main character) was watching a video of her and her husband, well doing it. She was crying because he was gone and she no longer could have that connection with him. That hit a nerve. In my situation, Although he didn't die, hes gone and I can't have that connection with anyone, well at least for while. and even if I do get the chance, will I ever let myself have that connection? Can I trust someone like that again? I don't think so. I don't know why this struck me so hard but that's why I was feeling sad the other night. Because I lost such a personal connection with someone that I trusted, and it slapped me in the face and I was called a slut. I've never gotten that close to someone before. I don't think I'll ever be able to again. It's so hurtful when you let someone get that personal with you and then they throw it in your face, especially when I've never done things like that before.
Its painful to watch people do something that has gotten me in such a big mess, and be able to do it so casually. Another scene that hit me hard was when Nancy went to confrontt a rival pot dealer and they ended up doin' it on the hood of his car. After when she was driving home, she started caring and asking herself what she was doing. I get that feeling sometimes..like what the fuck did I ever do that for? Why did I let someone that close to me and into my life? WHY
Obviously how I felt was completely different from what he felt. To me, it wasn't just sex and a stupid fling. To him.. well that's what it was. It was serious to me, why? because I'm having his baby.. that's why. Things aren't stupid and simple anymore. Things are serious.

It's so stupid how I let myself get involved like that. I think I suffer from guilt and shame more then anything. and isn't it stupid that a show could induce these feelings. Yeah it is.

Now that hes trying to "work things out" so we can "get a long" I'm not interested. I'm not as open to working things out right now. I actually don't want to at all. I don't want to be friends, I don't want to be civil. I don't want to be okay. I just want to be left alone. Maybe its unfair and stupid to not want to work things out but I just simply don't want to. I don't want to fight and hate each other either but I don't want anything to do with him. Especially after everything. And it's not like I even got an apology. I got an excuse. "things were crazy, this and this happened" Well, just because of the shit I went through, I didn't call people sluts or abandon my responsibilities. I didn't party it up and go crazy buying expensive things. I focused on work and getting ready for a baby and staying healthy. and I've done a damn good job.
I wasn't rude and told him to fuck off, like I should of. I just told him I didn't know how I felt about that. I know how I feel though. I don't want to. But like I said I don't want to fight. I was nice but I don't care anymore. I just don't. Weird thing is, I cared the night before. I cared up until I saw the message. and then it just angered me. Why now? because you and your girlfriend broke up and she's dating someone else? I know it was a big deal before, but he's still the same person, with or without that girl.

Plus everything we needed his help for is done. the room is painted, the furniture is bought and assembled. The bedding is bought, the stroller and car seat are purchased. The big stuff is mostly done. All I need to do is have a baby shower and if I don't get everything from my list, go and buy it. Then relax until my due date. I've gotten most of what I need already. There's really nothing left to do but wait. So really, what's he good for now? I know there will be times where Ill need more help once shes here but Id rather have my mom help me, because my mom knows what to do. I just don't need him, and all hes ever contributed to me was stress and pain. Whats he good for besides drama? nothing..

I just don't know. I don't want to do the wrong thing, but when it comes to being betrayed like that, I really can't forgive. I can stop fighting, and I've done that. That's all I'm willing to do. Just shut up and move on, but I'm not moving back. I don't forgive like that, I'm not a door mat, thank you.