Just to blog..

I haven't posted much lately.. I don't know why but I guess I haven't felt like talking about anything. Stuffs happened that I guess I could talk about.. but its just not worth it anymore.
but I'm bored right now sooo
Anyways, this weekend I'm dog sitting. Yeah, dog sitting. My aunt has 4 yorkies and every year they go to Moab and I watch their doggies while their gone. Its okay I guess. I realized how much I hate being alone though. Well I guess I'm not alone technically since theres 4 dogs here and I have Miss Ev in my belly but it feels lonely.
I guess you never know how lonely you are, until your all alone. I mean I try not letting being single and pregnant bother me so much, because at times its not a big deal. But other times it makes me sad that I was robbed of the opportunity to be in love and looking forward to this little person with someone. Its my fault of course. I should have picked someone who would have been in for the long haul. But I didn't really make the choice to get pregnant, it was accident that gave me a blessing.
Being lonely gives me conflicted feelings. Like having the urge to just say "I miss you" I'm not dumb enough or desperate enough to say anything because really, that would be opening a can of worms. I just got out of that disaster. The thing that sucks is that there was a break in the silence, and the fact that he was near my house last weekend. which by the way I don't care for. I seriously avoid Tooele so I don't have to run into him, and I thought stansbury was safe, I guess its not. It wouldn't be a big deal if it was a house that was like a mile away but its a house that's the next street over, UGH. This world is to small. Luckily I didn't know he was there until a few days later and I never saw him but still.
But here's the conflicting feelings. I do miss him. I don't know why, but I do. I miss the person he was at first, I miss how he used to treat me and how he was for that brief amount of time. He's obviously not like that now and he obviously isn't like that at all. So I guess that's the part that keeps me moving on. I don't deserve to be hurt like that. I didn't deserve to be hurt like that and I will NOT let myself be hurt like that.
I'm lonely but I can deal with that. I'd rather be lonely then hurt.
I don't know.. I can't wait until I can go home. I like home. Even if theres nothing to do, I'm home, I'm comfortable and I'm happy. My mom is there, my dogs are there so if I ever get sad and lonely all I have to do is walk out of the door. I don't know.. Ugh.. I'm just in a funk and I need to get OUT of it.

but anyways.. the doctor never called to say I have preeclampsia, so I assume I don't have it then. Well that's good! I have an appointment Wednesday.. I hope everything is okay still.
A lady at the store Ulta today said I looked as if I was about to pop any minute. Uh well not really, since i technically have like two months left.. then my mom chimed in "I don't think she'll make it to September". Its not a body image thing that bothers me, its a How can I have a baby here that soon type of a thing. I get nervous when I think about it. I know I'm having a baby but its just not exactly real. I guess it hasn't fully hit me all the changes. I'm scared. Plus doing this alone is frightening.
sometimes life just seems so hard. Like how the hell am I suppose to do the things your suppose to do? How do people do them? I guess I'll find out..