I feel like a bad person for saying that I don't want him around, but then again, I feel it was the right thing to do.
Sometimes I feel stupid for getting upset at things, but then I think, who wouldn't get upset?
I want to forgive and forget, I really do. But there's nothing to forgive, and I've been hurt so badly, I don't know how I can forget. A part of me wants to start over, but how can you?
most of all I want an apology. I won't get one, I'll never hear what I want to hear. He'll never be the person he promised to be. Why would he apologize? He doesn't think hes wrong for what he's done. It would be nice to be apologized too. It won't really change anything. I don't take words seriously. But the action of an apology would be a step in the right direction. Will he come through? No. Am I hoping he will? Yeah, its stupid wishful thinking. I wish I could stop torturing myself and hoping he'll come to his senses and at least try to patch up what he's done. I know he won't. I know that much about him.
This is at 19 weeks
this is at 27 weeks
I doubt I'll ever even see him for a long, long time. So far I haven't seen him in 2 months. That's right, TWO months. May 4th, the day I found out Evelyn was an Evelyn. You know how much Ev has grown and changed in two months? You know how different I look now?
I don't know what I'm trying to get at here, but to be honest, all of this just sucks. All of this hurts and all of this is just so painful. I know life isn't meant to be perfect and I know that things don't work out all of the time, but what if they had? What if everything worked out? I can imagine it and the thought of is soothing, the thought of it feels good. Its not how it is though, its not how its going to be either. Life could have been simpler, life could have been good. For all three of us, not just me, not just Ev, but all of us. I know I should let go of this stupid fucking idea, but I can't. Its torture, pure torture to think of "what could have been" I hate it so bad that I sit here at night and think like that. Its like throwing salt on a wound. It burns.
I want to not care
I want to move on
I want to be happy
but I can't. I just can't do it. I can't just go on like this. I want in all my heart to forget him, I want to not know who he is. I've done good cutting him out. I haven't talked to him, I have stopped talking about him so much, I've stopped asking about him, I've tried thinking about whats to come, and I've tried to keep myself busy. It doesn't work though, nothing works.
How can someone not care and someone care so much? Why do I have to be the one who cares? I have so many good things about to come along. Why do I wonder how he is? Why do I think of thinks I need to say to him or ask him about. Why do I have the urge to talk to him. Why do I care about how he's is doing? Why do I care if hes sad and why the hell do I wonder if he's happy? Why does this all matter and how can I get it to stop? HOW? I'm going crazy, I just want to forget him, I want to forget everything about him. He's hurt me and theres no going back, theres no changing what has happened, whats been said, whats been done. It's all etched into history and its happened. You can't erase whats happened, you cant make it go away. So why am I still dwelling on this? Why am I letting this past ordeal follow me? WHY? What can you do to move on? I'm ready to leave him all behind.. I just can't
No comments:
Post a Comment