I can't sleep

I've been thinking a lot lately of the way things used to be. When things fit together like they should and things just worked. This year has been tough, really, really tough. and the more I look back the more I realize it. I don't like that to be known that I'm going through a hard time because I don't like to be pitied or worried about. Plus I don't want to tell the world what has been affecting me so much because its hard to think about. I wish I could take the whole thing back and back up and re-do it all because I don't think things would be this complicated if I would have took a moment to think. The worst part of all of this, is that I'm at fault. Its easier when theres someone to blame and its easier when you can be the victim. But I'm only a victim of my own crime. If I were asked of what my biggest regret would be, this would be it. I struggle with it everyday, its changed who I am, its changed how I look at the world and myself. Its scarred me. I just need to forgive myself and move on but its tough.
but I just miss the way my friends used to be, well the way we used to be. before well everything. I miss the fun and the funny crazy obnoxious stuff we did and how I thought and I how I felt then. I just wish I could go back and never know what I know now and just keep truckin' without all of this in between. there has been good but I'd take it back to make up for this. I let everything affect me so much and I've kinda just stopped caring and doing what I need. I think its slowly gettting better though because I'm trying with all my might to feel better and do better because I want to be back to my good ole self. its only a matter of time..