An ode to diabetes, or death (same thing really)

I could cry right now. Why? because I have to go to the diabetes doctor. yes, thats a silly thing to cry about but when you have the betes, its normal. My diabetes doctor has been stalking me trying to get me to make an appointment. Do I want to make an appointment? NO, leave me alone! But the times has come that I'm down to a half a bottle of insulin and I HAVE to go. I've been crying and dreading it to the point of nausea. I'll admit I suck at diabetes, I've never been good at it and I honestly doubt I'll ever be good at it. I just wish people would leave it at that and let me just figure it out on my own instead of telling me how its easy and they can't understand why I can't do it. Ha, well some of these people don't even know what to do to take care of diabetes. Yeah it sounds simple, but try juggling work, full time school, personal problems, family problems, and other life things AND taking care of diabetes. I can tell you first hand diabetes is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and it continues to be the hardest thing and will continue until the day I fall over dead. Diabetes not only affects me physically like having to deal with pricks and pokes, infections from pumpsites, bruises from shots and my pump. feeling sick when my bloodsugars are not normal ect. It also affects you emotionally. Bloodsugar controls my mood a lot and the fact that I have to live with this fucked up disease messes with me too. I struggle everyday with it. I could have worse, but this feels a lot like hell to me. I fight with the people around me about it because they don't get it, they don't feel it and they will never ever understand it. the worst part is they think they do. Somedays death sounds a lot better then living like this. Diabetes affects every single aspect of my life, school, work, relationships, you name it and the fact that no one gets it sucks. I love my life and I wish that this didn't affect me so negatively. I think I would be a lot happier if I didn't have diabetes, I would feel free and I wouldn't feel like the grim reaper is breathing down my neck. I know I'll probably die a lot sooner then people my age, and I know that I will be unhealthy and sick for well.. my whole life. I accept that because I can't exactly not accept it. I just need my time to be angry about this, and no one has let me. I'll admit I'm furious that I have been dealt this card. I'm trying my hardest to live with it and be happy but somedays its not that way. I just need love and support and most of all understanding. Just understand its a stuggle and it won't be anything but that. I want to keep fighting for my life but with all the other life problems coming at me too, I feel like I've been ambushed and I'm the only one fighting. It would be easier to give in and die but I can't do that and I won't do that. Its just a struggle and I know that my failure to do better is my fault but I'm the only one fighting this and other things. I'll do better when I want to and I'll want to when I'm not be looked down on. I just hope and pray that I can fight this before worse things happen.