6 months

The 23rd of this month marked 6 months since my mom has been gone.

It's so surreal. 

Even after all this time. I think a part of me has just buried the loss deep inside, where I can't really feel it. Sometimes when I really do think about it.. I can't handle it. Its too much. Life has gone on and it hasn't been easy. So much has changed. Life really isn't the same anymore. 

I miss my mom.

I miss her a lot. I miss being able to come home and talk to her about my day, and other things. I miss going shopping with my mom. I miss our outings and I miss just hanging out together. If I felt alone, I could go to her. I miss her advice, I miss being able to ask her questions. I could always go to her with things I needed to know, or things I needed to remember (for instance, I have been trying to remember my blood type, weird I know, and I know she would know) I miss being able to count on her for things, well everything. She was always there to help, even if she was mad or sick. She would still be there. 

I wish she could see how much Ev has changed and grown, just in the last 6 months. I wish she could see how Jesse and I's relationship has grown too. I wish she could be there for the future.. to see Ev get old, Jesse and I get married and have another baby. I know shes somewhere watching out but I wish she could physically be here. I wish I could talk to her just one more time. 

Lets be better people

So I suck at this.. mostly because I know people don't read this. But sometimes it makes me feel better to post thoughts and feelings to the world, even if it doesn't reach a huge audience. That's OK too because everyone is so willing to bash and fight for every opinion..

but anyway.. since I was last here, things have happened. Thanksgiving, Christmas ect.. Both were really good and thinking about thanksgiving dinner just made me hungry lol. I was glad to have a good Christmas, that was all I wanted. No, I didn't get a million presents (or engaged) I just had a nice, non stressful time. Plus Ev has a really good time! so that's what I wanted.

All in all, 2016 kind of sucked. I mean most of us can agree.. we lost a lot of amazing talent in the world.. you know who got elected.. and personally to me, well I lost my mom and Grandpa. but I did meet the love of my life, so there's that.

but here we are, the majority of the way into 2017 and I cant say that it being the new year makes it better. I feel like we are falling upon dark, dark times.  America is divided. which is really terrible. I know who the president is, I'm well aware.. but I'm not happy. I honestly don't understand how anyone can be happy. I can't wrap my head around it at all.. I'm not going to be abusive to anyone who is happy. I just don't get it.

See, I've explained it before. I'm type 1 diabetic. So knowing that everything healthcare wise is about to change.. and not for the better.. back to what is was before.. which isn't OK because it wasn't good for people like me. I rely on healthcare.. I rely on medication to stay alive. I may work 4 days a week, 10 hrs a day but I still don't make a lot of money. I still struggle to make ends meet. So I know if I don't have healthcare, or affordable healthcare. I can't afford to live. seriously. I NEED insulin, I cant go without insulin. I had a malfunction with my insulin pump site and went without it for hours and I was in ICU for 3 days because of it. I was so sick, I seriously could have died if I didn't go to the hospital. So when I turn 26 (If I can even make it to 26 with insurance) and I can't get insurance because of my disease and I cant afford 800$ for insulin (because half the time I don't even get that on a full paycheck) and I go without. Will I risk completely bankrupting myself to go to the hospital, or die? I will have to pay off an ICU visit for the rest of my life, Or choose to die and save myself, and my family from the burden of the cost? Insulin isn't the only thing I use either. back in 1999 using an insulin pump was like 100$ a week. I have had good insurance, so I cant even tell you what it is now but I know for a 3 month supply its couple thousand at least. I can't afford that.

so this turns into a domino affect for me.. I have hopes and dreams for my life. I want to go back to school.. but without health insurance or even affordable health insurance.. I cant afford to go back to school. so that shuts that down right there. That means I will NEVER make the money I need to make.

I want to have at least 1 more child. If I don't have health insurance, I couldn't afford a normal pregnancy, let alone a high risk pregnancy. Being diabetic makes every pregnancy a high risk pregnancy for me. When I had Ev, sometimes I would be at my doctors 3x a week. and with insurance I still had 30$ co pays because I had to see a specialist. (Medicaid saved my ass) so again, this shuts down that dream for me.

Oh, Getting married. I will never be able to have that wedding people dream of. It already seems unrealistic because I know I wont be able to afford it. but if I have to pay  800$ (just guessing) every couple of weeks for insulin, well yeah... you know.

I might not even be able to have a job. I might have to quit and try and be on Medicaid.

Then theres the issue with planned parenthood. I don't get how people are so excited to shut it down. well I know they think its because it "kills babies"

but no.. its not all its for.

I remember having to go there when I had unprotected sex and I wasn't on birth control. (that was before birth control was made easier and more affordable to get and I wasn't on it) and I purchased "Plan B"

so for all of you who think plan B can terminate a pregnancy, well I'm here to let you know that it can't. I have the 5 year old daughter to prove it.

Planned parenthood is for low income women. Not irresponsible baby killers. I think planned parenthoods message is literally planned parenthood. I think they would much rather advocate birth control and sexual health than abortions. which makes TOTAL since right? I know that once I no longer have good insurance, I'll need to go there for birth control options. (if its even still around) because like I said, I'm already struggling.. and it will be worse with the downfall of healthcare. Now before you go and accuse me of being some whore, I'm in a committed relationship. We don't want a baby until we are married and so far, we aren't ready to be married. I'm not religious so "sex before marriage" is not important to me. So I try to be responsible by being on birth control. to be honest, I kind of have to be on birth control because I also have problems with ovarian cysts and I need to control it with birth control pills. So, yeah. 

Also, a lot of people who think "killing babies" is a valid argument, let me just tell you a little story. When I was 19, I found myself pregnant. Even though my ex was OK with being around at that moment, I knew he wouldn't be. and clearly after 5 years and hearing next to nothing from him, I was right. well I looked into abortion. I was young and scared and wanted to know everything I could do. Plus being type 1 diabetic and having to have such a high risk pregnancy was also a dividing factor.  So I looked into my options, because I have the right to CHOOSE. Raising a child, adoption or abortion. well upon my research, I realized I wasn't ok with having an abortion at all. It sounded terrible and was even scarier too me than just telling my mom I was pregnant. I knew that I was a stable person, I had a place to live, a good family, a job and I was never into drugs or drinking. I knew I could do it on my own. and I wanted to be a mom most importantly. and if you know me, you know.. I have a 5 year old! but it really seems the only people who are against abortion are the only people who have never had to face that reality. The reality of being alone through a pregnancy, with health issues. I have, even though my circumstances are FAR better than most women in this world. That's why I was able to keep and raise my little girl. Because I had people and resources and stability. Some women don't. things happen. We have to face the consequences of our actions, and I doubt that abortions are an option anyone wants to choose. I know it would have been devastating and I have sympathy for people who have had to make that devastating decision.  My point is, if you never had to face that decision, then you shouldn't have a say. Good for you to not have to make a terrible choice like that, feel grateful for it. But don't tear people down for it.

Another issue, privatizing planned parenthood is ridiculous. Again this is for LOW INCOME women. If these women could afford health insurance and to see their PCP, then by all means they would. Why are we fighting to help women get birth control? To help take care of STDS that they didn't get by themselves, ahem, men. What will it help to have more women having babies they cant take care of, because they couldn't get the pill? Why have STDS run rampant because somebody couldn't afford to take care of themselves. It doesn't matter if they were sexually active or not. Being a sexually active adult isn't a bad thing. its normal. Planned parenthood is for people who don't make a lot of money, college students (which I was when I got pregnant) women who just don't have the advantage of making a ton of money. I don't call myself a feminist but I believe that women need to have advantages to protect themselves and be able to decided when they are ready to become a parent. hence, "planned parenthood" because believe me, I doubt men are going to buck up and help with birth control..

So lets stop being assholes. Lets stop being judging everyone who doesn't have the advantages that some of us have had.

also, calling people out for protesting is SO fucking beyond annoying. How do you think, we as women got the right to vote? the right to work? the right to BE OUR OWN PEOPLE? Protesting. Letting our voices be heard. I'm NOT talking about riots and looting and violence. That is WRONG.

but we don't have to be happy with the president. We've had presidents in the past who didn't win the popular vote and still got elected.. and guess what? No one liked them when they were president.. hence not winning a popular vote.

So basically we are in a mess here and things are going to get messier. Some of us might not see the end of this presidency. Especially when the pollution gets bad and all these folks with asthma cant afford medication..

so that's my reason for fighting. I want to live. I want to be able to afford healthcare so I can be alive. So I can go back to college, so I can get married and have another baby. I want to have my American dream. I want to be able to see my daughter grow up. I want her to be able to have access to birth control so she doesn't have to go through what I went through. I want her to be able to choose when she wants to be a mom, not to have to make a decision like I did.

So can we stop? Can we be nice and understand that not everyone comes from where you do. Not everyone has had opportunities like some of us had. We all make mistakes and we all make choices that lead to consequences. We need to be sympathetic, we need to understand and realize that we are all different people and have our own paths. We can't get rid of all the bad things and people but we can stand up for what we believe in, we can fight for what we want, what we NEED out of life and we shouldn't tear each other down for it. We all deserve our dreams to come true. Some people have to fight harder and face more obstacles then most and although it isn't fair.. those of us who have an upper hand can try to make those obstacles not so high. So c'mon.. lets be better people.

What's your American dream?

When I woke up this morning I knew it wasn't going to be to good news.

I've had overwhelming anxiety for months. The worst has happened.

I loved my Grandpa and I still do.. but I knew he was racist. When I was little I remember playing a Barbie makeover computer game and it had an African American Barbie. I remember putting ugly makeup on her because I thought she was ugly. I'm ashamed of that. I also remember an occasion that I was watching a TV show with my grandpa and I made fun of the host who happened to be Asian. I thought he would be proud. But He told me that was wrong, that was being "racist" I thought to myself, how could he be mad at me for something he does all the time? I had to have been 5 years old at the time and I think that's when it occurred to me.

This behavior is taught. These thoughts are an infection that adults give to their children. This is how it keeps spreading.

its 2016 people. Mexicans are not rapist, or drug smugglers. There are rapists and drug smugglers in this world, yes.. but they aren't just Mexican, they white and black and every other race under the sun.

Good people come in all colors, all shapes and sizes, from all religions, sexuality and any other form a human comes. Same goes for bad people.

Its not the color of your skin that makes you, it you that makes you. Your thoughts, your actions, your words.

Another thing my grandpa would tell me is to "bat my eyelashes" so I could get a man and to marry for money and not for love.

Like I need to sell myself to a man to be OK. Now I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. But he would never expect anything from me to do anything for me. Same goes for him. He will have my love and respect for his love and respect. that's why I love him. because he respects ME. He respects my body and he respects my thoughts and feelings as a HUMAN. I do the same for him.

I'm just so sick and tired of this world. I'm so sick and tired of people thinking that its ok to hate someone for the color of their skin, their nationality, their sexuality, their gender or if they have a disability. We are all human.

I'm sick of women who think they have to sexualize themselves for attention, for power. Who think to be successful is to marry some man for money, not for love. That they can be treated with disrespect and be hurt and that they have no other options in the world.

I'm sick of men who think that they can treat women however they feel. That they can grab them and treat them like play things.

I'm sick of peole who have no respect for other peoples religion. Am I religious? No. Does that make me want to stop people from going to church, or believing what they want? No. 

Whats wrong is thinking that you can control people and fit them in a box of what you think people should be.

I'll admit, I have been privileged. but I have faced struggled. I'm a type 1 diabetic who has to fight to live everyday.

I may not be gay, but I care if they lose their right to marry whom they choose. I've looked out of my perspective and imagined myself in someone who was gay shoes. I care because I want them to be able to. I want people not to live in fear that they might not have the right to marry. I want to know if one of my future children turns out to be gay, that they have the right to marry the one they love. It may not affect me personally now, but it might. and honestly I don't care if it ever affects me personally or not. I will stand up for this right.

I may not be religious but I believe that everyone should have the right to practice what they want. Someone told me this country was based on "Christian" values. Maybe so.. but the founding fathers were escaping religious prosecution. So why would Christians do this to any other religion? Religion doesn't make you good person, but it doesn't make you bad. I Will fight for the right so people can believe what they want. It doesn't personally affect me but I still care.

I will fight for people like me who have a health problems, to be able to get what they need. This affects me personally and it affects many of my loved ones personally. I don't care what the health problem is. We deserve to be able to fight for our lifes. We should be able to be given every advantage of a healthy person. because I know I didn't choose this disease. so why be punished?

I will fight for women who think they have to give themselves up for success. for money. Because you don't. because I care if someone needs to feel important or loved. I care that they have to lower themselves down to try and obtain that. I care because I don't want that to have to be me, or more importantly my daughter. I want women to know that they are just the same as men, they can obtain the same things, if they want.

So whats my American dream? To live in a world where people can respect each other. Where we don't have to intervene our children before they get infected with hate. Where we can look through the color of skin, to just take it for what it is, skin. to respect peoples beliefs and value ours. To respect ourselves. To not have to live in a state of fear because someone who can speak so blatanly against this can obtain power.

My American dream is to respect those who live differently, to be respected for how I live. I want to be married, live comfortably and have a family. I want my kids to grow up and be educated and respect people for who they are and what they believe in, even if its different from their own.

I don't care if you want to have guns, I don't care if you want to marry the same sex, I don't care who you pray to, if you even pray at all. I care if you're happy. I care if you're living your American dream. I'm not sorry for being passionate or upset about the outcome of this election. because I live in fear that my American dream won't come true. It's already crumbled to a million pieces.

just a quick little post

So here I am currently trying to drown out the sounds of my daughter "playing" her play guitar.. Lord help me. (she needs lessons ASAP) and also Scooby doo. I'm so tired of Scooby doo.. I'm also really tired of this election. If you must know I am severely ANTI Trump. I won't go there though.

But any who..

who's excited for Halloween?! I'm in a weird place. My moms birthday is the day before so I am kind of dreading it. Jesse and I have a Halloween party this weekend, well two to be exact and I'm nervous because I'm not really happy with my body right now. Although I am not doing anything about it. (Hold the MLM diet products please) Jesse and I are going to be Cave people. It should be fun because I've never done a couples costume before. Mostly because I was always single before now. Now it would be weird to be single.. funny how that changes. I don't go out much (kid free) so it will be fun, I suppose.

I go back to work next week. Just 1 day a week until the 14th of November. I'm excited to go back but I already feel exhausted, to be completely honest.. It's the sloth in me. I was so anxious to go back that I got up today and showered and put my makeup on.. There was an accident so I happened to text my boss to tell her that it could delay me.. only to find out that I start next week. Well, OK. So I ended up just hanging out with Ev and reading today. Oh, and napping because I woke up at 5:30am. So today was Boring. But I decided I might do another blog for book reviews, since reading is my favorite past time. Plus I'm reading some good books!

but anyways.. until next time

The world is becoming a terrible place

Do you ever just feel down? Well of course that's a natural thing for everyone but lately its been an all the time thing.

I know it has to do with losing my mom and my grandpa but a lot of it has to do with what's going on in the world.

The hurricane, the clowns, this horrible, horrible election.

I just can't believe how awful everything is right now. How divided everyone is right now. How everything seems so chaotic and violent right now.

It sucks to have things be so hard personally right now but to watch the world falling into pieces too has been hard.

I'm just sick of it. It feels like the world is just one bad dream. I'm fighting to find good in the world, I really am. but its so hard when everyone hates each other over silly things. Sometimes I just cant handle it all and wish I could make things change.

Things aren't the same

It's hard to really keep up with a blog. Mostly because I know that nobody really reads this anyways. It's helpful to me though because it let's me put my thoughts out into the world so I'm not holding on to them.

So anyways, here it goes..

Things have been ok lately. Staying home can be testing at times. Mostly because I have Ev and my dog Rubble in my face ALL day. They are lucky they are so cute because they are very, very obnoxious. I am set to go back to work beginning of December so I just need to enjoy my time while I have it.

My Grandpas 75th birthday was on the 1st. That was rough. It's still hard to comprehend that he is gone. I think I put it off my mind. I didn't see my grandpa on a daily basis but I did see him weekly. Its hard to go and see my grandma sometimes because He's not there. Its kind of a lonely feeling. I try and remember all of the times we had. All of the vacations he took my family on. The road trips. My favorite of all was when he would take me for drives, with my grandma and cousin usually. We would just drive and look at scenery. I loved that. I still love being driven around like that, but it won't be the same. Things just aren't the same without him. I honestly can't let my heart accept that he's gone.

With that said, I'm still struggling with my mom being gone. It will be her 50th birthday at the end of this month. We are going to go to Moab for her birthday (Her favorite place) and spread some of her ashes. Same thing however, its weird that she is gone. I see her clothes and her belongings daily and they are left how she left them. Like we are preserving them for her when she comes back. So its weird when the thought catches me that she wont be back to use them. Its weird that she was here and now shes not.. I don't know how to explain it. but again, things aren't the same without her..

things just aren't the same.

My family feels lonely. My heart feels incomplete.

I feel grateful to have Jesse and Evelyn and my family though. But I wish more than anything that my mom and grandpa were here too.

When will things feel normal?

The New Normal

I've been struggling a little bit about my mom being gone. Especially as of late. I think I have numbed myself a bit but now its starting to sink in that she's gone.. as well as my grandpa. See I have dreams about them a lot Dreams that they are still living in this life. I had a dream that my mom survived. She was on hospice about to die, and then recovered. It was so strange, I kept apologizing to her for thinking that she was going to die.

It's honestly so weird still that she is gone. It doesn't feel real. She was so scared to die and we were all terrified for her to die and its so crazy to think that what we all dreaded has already happened. I don't know why now it's hitting me as hard as it is. Maybe because nearly two months has passed and she's still not here. Not only that but my grandpa is gone too. How has this all happened? Maybe getting my tattoo touched up released some pent up emotions. I don't know. but sometimes I wish life wasn't real right now and I could turn back time and change how things are.

I'm glad I have my family though. I'm so grateful for my daughter. I'm happy that I'm closer to my step dad and I'm thankful for Jesse.  I know things will never be "normal" but its hard to get used to this "new normal" I'm in a weird place where I'm excited for the future and all to come but I want to go back in time.

I don't know..